Hi, My Name is Amy.. and I am and RSD’er…..

So yeah, I don’t know when and or if I will ever catch a break from any of this bullshit going thru my life right now.

RSD totally effing BLOWS.. I HATE IT, and it loves me, pretty sad when the only freaking love i feel from it is that it wraps its loving arms around me and beats the hell out of me everyday. I try to push on, and the more I push the worse it becomes.  Why does life have to hurt?  Why do people have to suffer from such horrific diseases?   Why can’t anything just be normal again?

Ever feel in a day these damn bee-stinging sensations, shards of glass going thru your body, fire, and i mean one that can’t be put out?  Or, how about everytime you take  a step, you feel as if that’s gonna be the one that takes you to the ground?   Oh Hey, I totally forgot to mention these kick ass color changes that completely go on and on, or the absolutely gorgeous mottling that is present in pink, red, purple, ya know almost the colors of the rainbow.. just not quite.   Oh dear god, let’s now forget how loud talking voices or dogs barking present a problem that almost feels as if someone that you really kinda like goes thru you like a knife blade stab, after stab.  And, then I wonder.. Why no-one can really relate to me.   I get it, its hard to imagine all of that happening at once, but truthfully its the hard cold facts.   Oh damn, how could I have forgotten about the cold, the humidity, boy oh boy when those types of things happen, My body wants to contort, or my hands may curve into a claw.    I often wonder what i ever did to cause something to this extent… Oh that’s right.  I didn’t.  It was a work injury to my shoulder that left me with this monster.  When life sends me lemons, I break.  I really feel as if this medicine don’t help, but then again I dont think that anything really is.  I can’t afford to have a Spinal Cord Stimulator to even try to help with the pain, I can’t.   I know those can be a huge asset to you or they can be a hindrence,  therefor it makes me want to try it even more, because If i can get out there and get moving thats what i want i dont want to be stuck up in this hole of a house, with noone around that don’t just want to argue.

Medications, now that’s a whole entirely different issue.  I can’t get some of them covered that I really REALLY need..  This disease has taken alot of drastic matters for me.. Who wouldn’t for real????    I don’t know anymore, its just all such a blur, such a cluster fuck of emotions.

 

So getting back to some of the other things that bother me to no end, would be the damn sounds of barking with a high pitch bark… ugh, just don’t work for me, thank the good lord that this dog, here of my son’s is getting fixed soon,  maybe that will drop everything, his bark, his jumpiness, his whole disdameanor.  He’s one thing that has brought me joy, and he surely knows when i am down and out…

 

Well, just a little more from a suffering RSD’er and I hope that each and everyone one of you all, can actually sit, lay, stand to keep these demons away and keep up the good fight.  I pray for you all, and myself,  If you have any advice for me, please share away.  Anything i can do to help any of you, would be great progress, because helping you, even if in chatting helps me more then anyone would ever know…

 

Take care of yourself and your RSD friends, they all need it just as much as we do!!!!  HUGS!!!

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Samuel Calvin Kimmel

My Dear Grandpa,

First I have to tell you this, I love and miss seeing your smiling, loving face everyday.  I mean everyday!   Well, I just wanted to kind of sit here for a few minutes and go back and thank you for everything you did for me, the boys, my family while you were alive.  There were many things, I didn’t get to say, but I do NOT regret that at all.  I REGRET NOTHING, of what I did, how I did it or how I felt about you!   When dad died, you took me under your wing and didn’t let go.  Our relationship became that much greater.  You were  a man who would tell it like it was, and yet do it in the most loving way possible.   You made me cry, at the same time you taught me many lessons.  I remember from the time I was itsy bitsy you always said, you pay yourself first no matter what.  If you make 5.oo you take 10% of that and put it away, you are paying YOU and you will be so happy you did.  Oh Gramps, how I wish I would have listened.  You were one of the smartest men I knew, and your advice was longed for, even when it came to raising my boys.  Those 2 boys loved you as much as I did and still do!

I have a journal I kept the 5 years that you were really sick, and I was right there by your side.   I saw you slipping, and sliding and yet I would not just let you out of my grasp.  Strong men survive.. and you definitely were one of those.   As your life was a train wreck as a child, the hell you went through, the things that no-one should have ever had  to endure YOU DID.  You were definitely one of a kind.  Anyway, So I want to talk about the years I spent helping grandma taking care of you.  The things you and I did together and some of the things that we talked about.  Many of those things, I better keep to myself, but I will share some because you made me feel so special to you.  I know I was because you never, EVER lacked in telling me so, or anyone that may have been around you at that time.  I was your Dolly, when i was a lil tyke, a woman, a mom, granddaughter and I always will be until we meet again.

That fall you took was the start of all of this nightmare, I do believe that whole-heartedly, however.. I truly believe that it all really started when dad passed away, and you could never get through that. I remember at the funeral home you making stand beside you as you held my hand almost entirely the whole time.   I kept hearing over and over, this shouldn’t be your dad, dolly it shouldn’t it should be me.  Little did you know you were going to become my way of life, the way of life that kept me tied for so long to dad.  The stories you would tell me, the times we would cry, you never ceased to amaze me Grandpa.  Not Once.    So back to my scatter brain way of thinking.  During those years you were sick, taking you to the Dr.,doing your medications, doing everything I could for you, but to watch you suffer from so much pain purely broke my heart.  I know now what your pain was all about as I have developed a condition called RSD and it is busting the top of the pain scale.   You, just like grandma would want to wave a magic wand over me to cure this.. or at least to make me feel better.  Heck,  even when YOU were sick, if I had come down to just a cold, you would call me many times a day to see how I was feeling, when you were feeling so like shit yourself.  Those were such special times to me!

I remember the next big fall you took that split your arm open and cause us to be in the ER for 4 hours, and you to get 138 stitches, I watched that whole time as you didn’t complain, didn’t say a word but son of a bitch, I don’t need to be here esp for stitches.  We would laugh about that much later…:)  I cleaned your dressings daily, I tried to take as much of the load off grandma as i could.  I could NEVER cook for you like she did, but i sure could bake you all of your favorite things, and I did.   It brought me joy to watch your face light up when I’d bring you your favorite chocolate chip cookies, that only I could make worth a damn, or so you said.. Or how I would watch your face light up when Chad brought you all of that expensive, great chocolate that you would hide from everyone…LOL  Just so you know, Grandma has now taken your spot over for that!!!  :))

Anyway, gramps, what I wanted to say was, I never Regretted anything I ever did for you while you were sick and suffering.  I know that I have been paid back ten-fold for that as I feel your presence around me so often.  I think  I may have even seen you the other night, floating from the back bedroom into the bathroom here.  🙂   That has got to be one of the best feelings I have ever had.. your presence, esp when things in my life aren’t going so right.  I want to thank you for being there with me the day of my divorce.  Don’t think for a minute as Deanna stood on my right side being there for and with me, that I didn’t feel you come and stand right next to me at the bench in front of the judge.  I felt it all.  The warmth, felt just as the night that you passed away.. holding you, and helping you get cleaned up for the coroner to take you off to where you wanted to be, at home.. with your sister Ruth, and my loving dad.  Your body was so warm, and your muscles were still twitching, How many times I just wanted when you turned over for it to not be real, and not have those big beautiful eyes closed, I just wanted one more smile, one more I love you, one more of anything.. but most of all.. I wanted you to feel good again, be free of any pain that was causing you to thrash around in that bed, I wanted for you to be comfortable, and thanks to Hospice we were able to make that happen.  I remember that night so clearly in my head, I was with you from 8 am that morning till 8 that night, and didn’t leave your side but to make a couple of phone calls, or to run and get you meds that they needed to make your thrashing stop.  You would call me over to your bed, and make me lay there beside you, you would hold one hand and with the other you were touching my face, or asking me if I seen that Beautiful golden staircase.. It was so beautiful you said, but you told me specifically I could not paint it, I think that’s because you totally knew I sucked at painting too…hehe   But when I sat there with you , and you would be talking to your sister Ruth, or dad, you would always turn to me and ask me, if it was ok for you to go home… It was one of the hardest things in my life  to do grandpa to finally tell you YES, you could go home, that even I had the hospice nurse’s crying.   And dude, some of those women are as tough as nails.. Not these particular ones tho,  You told them of how Chad and I were your first-born grandchildren, and how you loved us from the day we were born.. and the most special kids you have ever seen.  You told them all of that, I cried, you cried, and the nurses cried.  Gram had seen enough of it that day that she pretty much kept herself busy.

Then came the question… Dolly, have you called Chad Michael?  I don’t think that you ever called him just chad, and I assume there was a reason for that as well..:)  a quite good reason if you ask me, but this i will never know.   When I told you I did you smiled and took my hand and said I love you Dolly, and for all the right reasons. You waited on Chad to get home to see you, and for you to know he was there, before your soul lifted and you went right to the place you wanted to be…HOME.. as you called it.    You were a rock grandpa, and we all miss you so much, but I want to thank you for being that man in my life that I could always depend on.. one that I could always be so proud of.. and one that loved without any conditions.  I hope you know how much you are loved and missed, but I also want you to know.. I Love your visits to me.. They ALWAYS come just at the right time.  Keep them coming gramp  as they bring me up when I am down, just as you did when you were here.

I love you so much, and you will always be my “baby”

XOXOXOXXOX

Parents, My Parents!

Webster’s Dictionary defines as such..

1par·ent

noun \ˈper-ənt\

Definition of PARENT

1
a : one that begets or brings forth offspringb : a person who brings up and cares for another
2
a : an animal or plant that is regarded in relation to its offspringb : the material or source from which something is derived
This is a pretty good definition of what a parent is.  I have my own thoughts and views as to what I FEEL a Parent should be.   Sure, I am probably going to start a lot of controversy here but what the hell… It’s only a blog right?
To begin with I am definitely an offspring of 2 people who fell in love, married and had me.  They were grade school sweethearts, and this relationship had carried through way beyond high school years.   If the story I am about to tell is partially correct, or even 99.8 % correct, I did my job as a child, listening to my parents as they brought me and my brother up and listened to just about everyone boast about how this all happened, so please excuse me for 1 minute, if I may make a mistake as i have heard it from so many.    Mom and Dad to which i knew them, started dating in the 7th grade.  My mom was always such a pretty lil one, and well my dad strong and handsome, but could be somewhat of a pistol..(hmm, wonder if this is where i get that from), whereas my Mom was such a sweet, kind, caring,loving girl even back then.. ( Now, I KNOW that’s where I got THAT from)  :).     These 2 fell in love and became sweethearts almost immediately.    No questions, it was true love!  ❤ …  Well, as they went thru school and became more mature adults my dad’s parents would take my mom on vacations with them to White Water Wisc.  Where my grandparents had a home.. a very serene, place right on White Water.   This is the place that my dad took my mom out in the canoe and proposed under the sunset.  When they had come back everyone at White water could hardly wait for the answer, as my mom and dad came off the canoe.   They all loved my mom like she was one of their own, it has become a nightly ritual for my mom and dad to be talking on the phone with one another every night after homework and such was done, and many a night they would fall asleep on the phone together.  My grandma likes telling me just where my dad would be found after following the phone cord night after night, under the dining room table…sound asleep with phone still attached to his ear…:)
(It just so happens that I am living in the house that my dad grew up in,  to me.. it don’t get much better then that)
So night after night, of long night phone calls, and all of the fun things, trips, and such that they would take my mom on with them as they went as a family,  it was soon going to become a reality.. As the 2 of them made their wedding vows, mom was a beautician and dad worked at the nuc plant.   I may be off a few years here, but who’s counting.. what comes next is the best anyway… So they bought a little house, that sat on 10th avenue in RF, and is still there today.  Well, what had become of that late night phone romancing turned into 9 months later having the sweetest little baby they ever laid eyes on… ME!   🙂   I Happened.  That’s a miracle in itself, because from the time I could remember until now, I felt very fortunate to had the best parents in the world.  2 years later they broke the mold and i had a new baby brother, boy did that kid ever have this head shaped like an egg.  It was like amazing.. but no wonder after 30 some hours of trying to give birth to that kid, it’s no wonder right?   Oh my little brother, I adored so, and still do to this day.. I truly believe that because of that egg-shaped head when he was born, he got it all, talent, singing, acting, seriousness, politicalness, and on and on.. Dude, for real, there was a reason for that.. He had it all and I got Jack shit!!!  🙂  Well my last name, and I absolutely LOVE that name…:)
My parents were the most loving, caring, fun, individuals you would have ever envisioned.  They rocked parenting well.  They worked together so hard, to give my brother and I the tools that we needed to find our own inner selves and strength.. little did we know we were gonna need this later on.  I mean really, you just don’t find parents that work that hard together to make a life full of love, and devotion, and all around joyous.  They were a real team, a grand pair so to speak.  Mom, was able to go back to school and Chad and I went with her to Sauk, where I can vividly remember driving in our orange VW Rabbit, back and forth to the school, so Chad, I and JoJo could go to “school” while mom was working on her degree.  It seemed as every morning as we were rounding the curve on RT2 on our way to Dixon, John Denver would come on the radio singing.. Country Roads, take me home.. to a place.. I belong.. which at the time really didn’t mean much to either Chad or I, as we were perfectly content in the backseat eating our donut and drinking our milk, and talking about what kind of day we were going to have at “school”.   So, as the years went on, as mom was going to school dad was working jobs that he could be home with us when mom wasn’t.  We started growing up.. There was so much to be said about us growing up in our family.  We had all the love my parents could muster.  They had the love, that really anyone to have known them would have wanted.    Plus, we had grandparents, and even a great-grandma who was amazing in herself.   They all helped out when needed!!  We were one tough family.. always beside one another.. no matter what!!!!
So, clearly as time went on Chad and I both were able to witness my beautiful mama walking across that stage at NIU getting her Masters Degree in Education.   Once mom was done with school, dad decided that he wanted to continue his degree as well.    He decided that he wanted to be a broker/owner of Kimmel Realty.   He also finished his degree and went on to be a wonderful business man and a very proud one at that.  As you can I have skipped through many phases in our lives only, because if i hadn’t this would have turned into a book and quite honestly I don’t even know how i am writing this at all right now.  I mean it is only 4 30 am…:)
Chad and I were taught to respect and honor those elder to us, have respect when speaking, and learn respect things about ourselves and others, that no-one could have set a better path for that then our parents, it’s still what I have instilled into my boys as well.  Oh wow, i just skipped MANY years…lol
So, as I got through school, and Chad was working his way thru, they taught the most important thing we could have learned at that time.. Work Ethics.  They both had excellent ones, as Chad and i do as well.  We both wanted to be teachers growing up, as our parents wanted us to set goal within and for ourselves, which we did.  Just so happened that we both chose a profession that really wasn’t going to make either of us a whole lot of money but, we would end up doing fine for ourselves,  So as Chad finished high school, the day of his graduation my dad has a heart attack and passed away…Graduation day for my brother was nothing as it should have been, but still even tho, all of that had happened that morning he still got up on that stage and accepted his diploma for dad!!  Of course for himself as well, but he knew… he knew that dad was so proud of him, as he was with us both.  We had become devastated.  One of the hardest days in our lives as I can ever remember, but one that really opened our eyes as to what had to be done be done next.  So we did what dad would have wanted us to.  We took care of mama, and went on our ways with finishing our educations.  A year later I had my first son born, Michael James, after his grandpa.  He would have been so proud!!!!    My dad was a special guy to all of us and we miss him deeply.   Chad went on to school, to get his degrees in Drama, or the Arts as some of us refer to it as.. and now has his Elementary Education Degree ( Masters plus)  and is teaching school in Chicago, for the 9th year I believe.  Forgive me if i am wrong Chad, but you know what my memory is like…:)
I well, i finished up my College degree and well then went and had and another amazing son, Brayden.   I then had my degree finished with early childhood education and had a nice little family going.  Enjoying my loves, and keeping mama busy when she wasn’t working or being with her friends so much of the time, thank you Kelly.. You have and will always be one person I look up to forever in my life!!!!  love ya girl..
So, Mom decided that she didn’t want any type of relationship at this point, which was just fine by Chad, Michael and myself..lol  we were a lil stingy then I do believe.  However, about 10 years after dads passing, we has this huge 50th surprize party for mom… There was this man who has always intrigued me.  A friend of my dad’s that hunted with him.  As I was making these plans for the party, I call my brother and i say, HEY.. I have the best idea in the world… lol  He already knew by this time i was completely full of shit because as i have stated many time previously he got it all, looks, talent, voice.. you name it.. he had it…:)  He was like oh boy… I can almost hear him saying it now…:))   I said remember that friend of mom and dads that used to come to our house and dad used to go hunting with him, and Chad’s like yes, Terry Walker?  I said YEAH!!!   What would you think about inviting him to mom’s party… Chad said go ahead and see where that leads you.. Thinking that I’m def not a match maker or something I mean really.. He was the one that HAD it all remember…:)   I send Terry an invite to mom’s party… to be quite honest, just filling out the invitation gave me these butterfly things, and I was like woahh, what is wrong with me?   So, the day after the RSVP date, I get a phone call, and he is like Hi this is Terry Walker, is this Amy.. Ohhhh i got the biggest smile in the world going on.. I said it sure is, he said well, I just seen that i had laid this card off to the side meaning to call you since i received it to let you know i was going to come… I was like SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!   I didn’t care if he had a girlfriend or what not.. I was happy as all get out for once.. this pea for brains chic had such a great idea… :))   So I immediately called my brother and was like omg omg omg omg, guess who just called me.. He’s like what the hell calm down… If you know my brother at all, you know he clearly can get aggravated with me easily…LOL  I guess its cuz that’s where MY personality comes alive.. 🙂  When I talk!   So i told him and i could hear the smile in his voice as i told him, and we hung up and i immediately called Brenda to pass on the news to her as well…LOL  This was a happy day for me.. Something FINALLY worked in my favor…:))
So we have the party, my aunt, and cousins from florida, friends and family from Missouri all came.. It was one of the best parties to that date that we had, as we had somehow dwelled the last 10 years prior to that away… Our party turned into an OVERNIGHT success, and i truly mean that when i say overnight success… My mama and dad (Terry)  have now been married and together for the last 11 years.. and I am telling you what, the day that my dad asked us kids if he could marry my mama, It was the happiest day in my life!!  not just for me, as we were getting a step dad that my own dad would have been so happy with, but a grandpa the boys could grow up with and a love and a man  that my mom could love for the rest of her life… We have all truly been blessed by an angel, My real dad, that looks down on us and lead my mama and dad (Terry)  together.  The day of the wedding as mama was getting ready to come down the aisle, I said dad, please show me a sign if this is something you are happy with, and just as the congregation stood at the church to watch my beautiful mom walk down the aisle to our new step dad, the light flickered and i knew this was going to be the life that we were meant to have… I understand that no-one can ever take the place of a biological parent, but It was what my dad wanted, we wanted for my mom and everyone that loved them wanted for them as well.. and to be quite honest… I am so very blessed, because there is no-one in this life I would want for my dad, since i can’t have my real one then TERRY WALKER… Dad, you have been such a complete blessing to me, the boys, Chad and our significant others that we couldn’t be luckier then we are.  Thank you for coming to that party, and most of all thank you for being the dad we sooo deserved!!!!   It has been 11 amazing years and I hope for all of the rest of our years together to be just amazing as these have been.    Both of my dad’s have had my heart, and they will both continue to till the day I die.  He has really showed us so many things when it comes to love, guidance, happiness, and joy…
Just to end this wonderful little story that I have sat here and created, I have also been blessed with a sister I never had, yet played with as a child, and a brother as well… I feel very fortunate in my 41 years to have had 2 Dad’s that have completely stole my heart, and will always have my love, and respect in so many ways.  Not only was I blessed with one Great Father.. I have been blessed with 2, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world…
I love you Mom and Dad… and dad in heaven, I know you watch over all of us and guide us, and you are…Our Perfect Angel!!!!!

My Kids— The Joys of my life!!!

My boys are the biggest and the most important part of my life.  They have always come first and they always will.  I feel as if being a parent has been somewhat easy at times and a total bitch at others.  I love it when they come to me and talk so openly with me, I feel as if I am being a good listener, and just enjoying it all with my heart open wide…

There have been times I have wanted to kick them in the ass to head them in the right direction, but yet… they always seem to make that slight turn that takes them down the beaten path.  One day as I was telling them, Look.. I did this when I was your age, but.. I am telling you this so you don’t make the same mistakes I did…. bahhah, that was a FAIL.. like they are going to listen to me, what am I thinking?  REALLY!!!!   They both have chosen paths that I have adored to be quite honest.  My boys are hard working men, they love to have fun, and when i look at them, the joy i feel in my heart tells me i have done a good job in my eyes, but further more.. it tells me, that just when I truly didn’t think they were listening THEY WERE.

To be quite honest, I would love them to be a lil more uppity when it comes to helping me, but.. of course I DO like things done the way i like them, and I do like them to do it when I ask them, not 3 days later…LOL   Then I stop and think to myself,  Why do I put myself thru the hell of arguing with them, its not like they are out causing all kinds of havoc, running the streets and being rotten.  They are boys for Christ Sake’s and they will do what they want when they want… I just need to accept that.   It’s hard…

When the dr’s discovered that I had an uncureable disease my boys stood up and took hold.  They have been my biggest supporters, and yet I think that deep inside everytime they look at me, or something new comes about, they have to learn to deal with it all over again.  They have taken me to my Dr apt’s, to therapy, they have done everything under the sun for me when it has come to that.. I am actually still waiting on a handrail however, to get up and down the stairs…lololol  First things first i guess.  🙂     I will never forget the very first Dr appt I had that my youngest son took me too, I thought he was going to jump down that dr’s throat, and just go from there.  We got out of that office and All i heard for the 2 and a half hours how he would have just liked to punch that asshole in the face…LOL,   Little did he know at the time.. SO DID I… Then, he took me to another one, this time, as the Dr was examining me, and doing a test on me the look on his sweet little face, just made me sob.. They were hurting me and he was scared shitless..  Neither him or I could wait to get out of that one.   My stories go on and on with him and Dr’s.  I didn’t want to keep this from my boys, I wanted them to see that it is real, and the things that have changed about me are real, and sometimes scary.  Most of all, I wanted them there by my side thru all of this..  It’s hard enough trying to do this kinda stuff alone, but when your kids start helping and learning more and more about it, and seeing what it’s doing to mom.. They understand it enough to start spreading the word.

My oldest son took me to a few as well, this boy works or was working 2 jobs going to college full time and helping me as much as he could.  So the few visits that he has been able to attend, I have gotten blocks.  You never really are prepared for anything like this until you have been thru it  a few times.  I had a block on my back on this one particular day that my oldest took me.  It was called a lumbar injection.  It wasn’t so bad until I came back in the room and he seen me.  He got upset as well, and just was ready to go.  I know that it is hard for them to except this type of stuff but the last thing I ever wanted, was for them to NOT be a part of my medical needs.  They needed to be there, here what the Dr has said and go from there…

I am almost 100% sure that neither of them have truly dealt with this all.  Not even sure they have really wanted to go this far with any of it.  None of us have, but you have to do what you have to do.  They are my pullers, they pull me thru some tough times, they keep me up when i need them too, and most of all they are there for me when the going gets too tough for me to put on my big girl panties and kick the world in the ass!!!

J and Bray, I want you both to know that you are my life, my world, my rock, and my heart!!!  You have made me PROUD to be your MAMA, and I am so happy that we have that special bond that noone could take away, even tho one has tried.  You have both done well,.. I know that you will continue down that path and that you will both make the right decisions, I handed you the tools you needed when you were little, with some help from your dad.. and I know that He loves you too.  He is proud of you as well.  We kicked the hell outta the years that we struggled so hard with, and we made it thru.  As long as I have the 2 of you.. We can make it thru anything, and i think that we have proved that over the last 19 years.  You have no idea how proud I am to be your Mom, and I need to tell you more!!   I love you both with my entire heart and soul, and you will always be my world, my happy place.  I love you both so very much thank you for being the MEN you are!!!

I Love you,

Mom

Starting Over…

LOVE… what is it?  What defines it?  How does it feel?  That’s what I would like to know… The dictionary defines it as

Definition of LOVE

1
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>
2
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3
a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>(1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4
a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person’s adoration of God
5
: a god or personification of love
6
: an amorous episode : love affair
7
: the sexual embrace : copulation
I thought I had all of this, but was proved terribly wrong.  As I look back over the 6 years,  I really don’t remember what or if i ever had any of the above.  I questioned, whether love was something that was taken away when a friendship was placed on hold, I lost alot of my friends.. I never under stood why.  I do now.. I realized that it was taken away from in every shape and form of my life.  I was to be in one place, with one person all the time.  That come to find out , truly is not love.   I was mistaken.  I have learned alot over the last few years.  I ended up getting hurt at work, the place that I truly did love working at.  It was fun, the guys there treated me like I was one of them… Hey, This tomboy, sailor mouth really fit in and i loved it, I did new and exciting things everyday until i got hurt.  Then it all went down hill.
I guess when you LOVE someone you sit around and watch them suffer, you let them go to dr appointments on their own, and don’t really ever get into the groove of being with that person going thru the hell.   In my own eyes,  had my LOVED one been the one hurt, I would have been there watching it all, going thru it all…. not just sitting back waiting on a phone call,  or waiting to talk to I got home… thats NOT LOVE…
Now, don’t go getting me wrong, I LOVED my marriage, i LOVED the person that I was with, I loved the things we did together, but that didn’t matter.   when I got hurt, that LOVE diminished to be a one-sided love.. No i WONT act like i am 15 in public and hang all over someone, show affection in the right place and time of course.. That is or has never been a problem with me, I Do LOVE Affection…:)
So, anyway, it ended.. not on such a happy note, the one I chose to LOVE for the rest of my life took off.  I guess that VOWS dont mean much to anyone anymore.. Which is ok,  I still have 2 people that i LOVE with my entire heart, and would no matter if they are 49 and 33.. or 9 and just starting to LOVE life… its what its all about.  So what do you do when someone you thought loved you walks out?  You get the hell over it.. obviously there was no LOVE there to begin with…
So, I have my boys, and my step-daughter that i still and will always show my honest LOVE to.. It’s important to me, to let them know, to show them, and to accept that no matter what, if there is a change in them I will stand beside them and love them no matter what the reason…Anyway I just thought that I would share a bit of my past with you all, and that all of  you I love, I LOVE you for one reason or another and that’s just the way I am.  So thank you to all of you that have been here thru all of this with me,  and to those who just came into my life the past few months,  There is a reason, You are still in it.. When I LOVE I LOVE with my entire heart and soul!!!!

Thank you Tara

Dear Tara,

I just wanted to take a few minutes here to call you out on believing in me enough to be able to sit down and write blogs. Here I am just doing the things that I have learned about through session for teens in trouble, and now I find myself doing the same thing. Writing. Writing when I am upset, hurting from the pain of my RSD, or just hurting in general.. The kids I used to work with, we would tell them to write when angered, upset, or just feeling a lil lonely. It’s a wonderful way to convey your feelings when you just do not want to share them outloud. I even had my step-daughter doing a journal this summer. She did so well and loved doing it every night after all of our bedtime rituals. It was amazing the things that I never thought she would even remember about our day, or the time we spent together, she did and wrote with all of her journaling on each page she would draw a face of how she was feeling. It was a great thing to see especially because she was almost 9 at the time.

So Thank you Tara, for making this so easy for me. I think of all the things I have been through over the summer, in the last 3 and a half years,, i have alot of things to write about. So I am pretty excited to get it all going. This is going to be good for my soul as well, some I will laugh some will make me cry, but most of all to open my heart to feel whole and complete again. That is something I am really looking forward too..

Here is a big to Tara, for everything you have done for me, your friendship means so much…..

Why Do I Cry?

I hurt, the pain won’t stop.  The burning feels like vats of fire that are havocing my body inch by inch.  Why is it so hard to see, yet so damn easy to feel?  Why, does it feel like everyone just tends to think.. yeah right.. She looks fine!!  I am so tired of feeling this way, I need a way to deal with things better.  I try to uphold my positive attitude, and laugh and smile, and carry on.  Why does it still hurt?  Hug me, yes.. would love that.  But.. that hurts too.  Its hurts so bad that I am not crying because I am hugging you goodbye or goodnight, I am crying because I am hurting so bad inside its killing me.  I miss that, the times when ANYONE could come up and give me a hug, and now.. I am so careful.  My Grandma is 87 almost.. I miss her hugs the most i do!!!  I just want to be able to wrap my arms around anyone and hug them for a long time.. but it hurts.. That is one of my favorite things to do!!

 

So, why do I cry?   I cry because what once was, is no more.  The things I used to LOVE doing I can’t.  Hell, I can barely make it up 3 steps on my GOOD DAYS!!!  Hiking is out.  I can walk for bits at a  time, but let me tell you.. if i over do it, I usually end up in the hospital for a good dose of medicine to get it stopped.  Even then that don’t ALWAYS help.  Hell, I just wish that at times I could curl up in a corner and wish this all away.. Not going to happen..

 

So.. why do I cry?  I cry because I am missing out on so much with my boys.. THANK YOU GOD, for not making them any younger then they are, when i developed this horrific disease.  and now, add bad problems to it.. Yeah, its great.. My kids are great most of the time.. I know they both get scared from time to time, as when I am starting my new meds, or something like that, and I am spaced out.  I can’t even carry on a decent converstation.   They look at me with that look in their eyes that just says, Mom, why can’t you be the you, you used to be… HEARTBREAKING!!!  Or yet, when i ask them about something, they give me an answer and yet.. 15 minutes later I am asking again.  Only to hear.. mom you just asked me that.. I dont even remember saying a word to them about it..

 

So, why do i cry?  I cry because I am not the daughter, grand-daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin I used to be.  I love my family with my entire heart, and quite honestly i DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM!!!  I have 2 absolutley wonderful, beautiful friends that have helped me more then they will ever know.. Deanna and Heather.  Without them.. keeping me busy, talking to me, pumping me up.. and then there are my internet friends.. Friends that i DEFINATELY could not be without.  They tell me that some of my best friends live in the computer and that is right, they really do..They bring me up when i am down as well.  I have met some, and do plan on meeting more.

 

Where would you be if you were put in this posistion, how would you handle yourself?  I can’t clean for myself anymore, doing dishes is just a thing of the past…I can go on and on about what i can’t do.. I can continue to be down,. but i am not going to.. I will tell you why…

 

Why, I smile?   I wake every morning to the sounds of my boys talking, or getting ready for school, I hear the dog barking outside, I talk to my mom and dad, grandma and friends on the phone daily.. I can get out of bed, even if it takes me 20 minutes to do so, thats just 20 more minutes I get to enjoy just listening…

 

I smile, because I do have family, friends, and all that do love me, and I am able to do things with.  My boys, take me to dinner, mom and dad do the same.  I talk to them on the phone, and sometimes for too many hours, right Aunt Donna..:)

 

I smile because I can see the colors changing and the leaves on the ground, knowing that fall is just around the corner.. Fall is and has always been my favorite time of year.  The smells, the beauty, the 1st snowfall, just about everything about fall makes my heart sing…and makes me smile.

 

I may have alot of flaws within me as a person, I may have some hatered, but.. I am still ME.. nothing is going to change that, my heart still beats the way it should and because of that, I would give my left shoe on a cold winter day to someone that was missing one.. I still have my personality one that can at times make people laugh and can make them cry.. My grandma blames me for being the one that makes her talk like a sailor, hey what the hell you ONLY LIVE ONCE…

 

Why do I smile?  Because someday, I know that deep in my heart even if it happens after I leave this place.. there will be a cure found, and for those that come after me.. They will get help… I hope that my boys, give all the information they know about RSD/CRPS to EVERYONE they know.. The only way people are going to know about this dibilitating disease is if it gets spread from person to person.. So yes, if you want to know what its all about, I try to give websites, help groups, there are so many right here on FB.. Here to Help is a fabulous one.. and then rsdhope.org.  There you will find a letter, and tons and tons of information about our disease.

 

Why do I smile?  Because one day, my son was hurrying home from school and a friend of his asked him why he always was in a hurry to get home?   Bray says, because my mom has this disease, and i need to make sure she has taken her medications.. Haleigh says, don’t lie, my mom has that too… and because of 2 of our kids.. I have been blessed with one hell of a friendship with Deanna Dimond.  We have helped each other with Dr’s, our regimens on how we do our daily things.. We are there for one another no matter WHAT the situation.. She has become the sister I have truly never had and I thank god each and every day for her.. Love you bunches Deanna..

 

Why do i Smile?  I have the best family that I could EVER ASK FOR.. They support, carry, and love me for who I am.. they have never given up on me, yet cheered me on… This helps with everyday of my life.. to have people that love and care about you that much… I am blessed… Thank you to Aunt Donna to always listen to my crazy life up and downs… it means the world to me.. and to my mama and daddy.. for being the type of parents that just let me talk, but give me the support i need on a daily basis.. I love you more then life… Uncle Ron, for sending me cards, and giving me that hug i need everytime i see you, or just your sweet, loving kind words over a text message.. My brother, for listening to me cry, scream cuss, and then laugh.. To Heather, for being there for me, and telling me how things are.. straight up without missing a beat.  You have gotten me thru this last ordeal with flying colors and i will forever be grateful to you for that.  I love you girl!!!!

 

To my Boys, whom hold my entire heart in their hands… We have been through so much together just the 3 of us, but we have somehow made it… emotionally, physically, and well, we will talk about the financial part later..:))

You have given me such joy just watching you grown into men.  Into the MEN i have made you become.. You are my life, my world and my everything and i love you both each and every day of my life more and more.. Michael for always helping me with what he can, and for Bray whom usually if Deanna can’t misses school to take me to the Dr.. He has seen some pretty harsh stuff I would never want my boys to see, but they have, and i cant change that.. I just want you both to know… You make my life what it is, and as I watch you grow up and move into what you have become, I couldn’t be any happier, or more proud of either of you.  I love you both with my entire heart and soul…

 

Why do i smile?   Katie girl.. You have been in my life for the past 6 years, you have brought so much joy to my life.  If i had ever been able to have a little girl, I would have wanted her to be JUST LIKE YOU.  You made my heart full, of life, love and so much more, I do not know if i could ever explain the words to you.. I wish nothing but the very best in life for you, you are the sunshine each day I think about.. and I love you to pieces Sis.. I hope you ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT AND NEVER ONCE FORGET IT!!!!

 

Why do I smile?  Because I can sit down here, write this “note” and I can feel much better inside.  Even though I cry now.. I know that everything will be ok.  I just have to Let it go, and Let GOD!!!

 

Have a peaceful day everyone, I know i am going to sure try!!!  To all of you that matter in my life.. There is nothing I would change about any of you.. You were put in my life for a reason, and I beg you to stay..

 

I LOVE YOU ALLL!!!!!