Why Do I Cry?

I hurt, the pain won’t stop.  The burning feels like vats of fire that are havocing my body inch by inch.  Why is it so hard to see, yet so damn easy to feel?  Why, does it feel like everyone just tends to think.. yeah right.. She looks fine!!  I am so tired of feeling this way, I need a way to deal with things better.  I try to uphold my positive attitude, and laugh and smile, and carry on.  Why does it still hurt?  Hug me, yes.. would love that.  But.. that hurts too.  Its hurts so bad that I am not crying because I am hugging you goodbye or goodnight, I am crying because I am hurting so bad inside its killing me.  I miss that, the times when ANYONE could come up and give me a hug, and now.. I am so careful.  My Grandma is 87 almost.. I miss her hugs the most i do!!!  I just want to be able to wrap my arms around anyone and hug them for a long time.. but it hurts.. That is one of my favorite things to do!!

 

So, why do I cry?   I cry because what once was, is no more.  The things I used to LOVE doing I can’t.  Hell, I can barely make it up 3 steps on my GOOD DAYS!!!  Hiking is out.  I can walk for bits at a  time, but let me tell you.. if i over do it, I usually end up in the hospital for a good dose of medicine to get it stopped.  Even then that don’t ALWAYS help.  Hell, I just wish that at times I could curl up in a corner and wish this all away.. Not going to happen..

 

So.. why do I cry?  I cry because I am missing out on so much with my boys.. THANK YOU GOD, for not making them any younger then they are, when i developed this horrific disease.  and now, add bad problems to it.. Yeah, its great.. My kids are great most of the time.. I know they both get scared from time to time, as when I am starting my new meds, or something like that, and I am spaced out.  I can’t even carry on a decent converstation.   They look at me with that look in their eyes that just says, Mom, why can’t you be the you, you used to be… HEARTBREAKING!!!  Or yet, when i ask them about something, they give me an answer and yet.. 15 minutes later I am asking again.  Only to hear.. mom you just asked me that.. I dont even remember saying a word to them about it..

 

So, why do i cry?  I cry because I am not the daughter, grand-daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin I used to be.  I love my family with my entire heart, and quite honestly i DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM!!!  I have 2 absolutley wonderful, beautiful friends that have helped me more then they will ever know.. Deanna and Heather.  Without them.. keeping me busy, talking to me, pumping me up.. and then there are my internet friends.. Friends that i DEFINATELY could not be without.  They tell me that some of my best friends live in the computer and that is right, they really do..They bring me up when i am down as well.  I have met some, and do plan on meeting more.

 

Where would you be if you were put in this posistion, how would you handle yourself?  I can’t clean for myself anymore, doing dishes is just a thing of the past…I can go on and on about what i can’t do.. I can continue to be down,. but i am not going to.. I will tell you why…

 

Why, I smile?   I wake every morning to the sounds of my boys talking, or getting ready for school, I hear the dog barking outside, I talk to my mom and dad, grandma and friends on the phone daily.. I can get out of bed, even if it takes me 20 minutes to do so, thats just 20 more minutes I get to enjoy just listening…

 

I smile, because I do have family, friends, and all that do love me, and I am able to do things with.  My boys, take me to dinner, mom and dad do the same.  I talk to them on the phone, and sometimes for too many hours, right Aunt Donna..:)

 

I smile because I can see the colors changing and the leaves on the ground, knowing that fall is just around the corner.. Fall is and has always been my favorite time of year.  The smells, the beauty, the 1st snowfall, just about everything about fall makes my heart sing…and makes me smile.

 

I may have alot of flaws within me as a person, I may have some hatered, but.. I am still ME.. nothing is going to change that, my heart still beats the way it should and because of that, I would give my left shoe on a cold winter day to someone that was missing one.. I still have my personality one that can at times make people laugh and can make them cry.. My grandma blames me for being the one that makes her talk like a sailor, hey what the hell you ONLY LIVE ONCE…

 

Why do I smile?  Because someday, I know that deep in my heart even if it happens after I leave this place.. there will be a cure found, and for those that come after me.. They will get help… I hope that my boys, give all the information they know about RSD/CRPS to EVERYONE they know.. The only way people are going to know about this dibilitating disease is if it gets spread from person to person.. So yes, if you want to know what its all about, I try to give websites, help groups, there are so many right here on FB.. Here to Help is a fabulous one.. and then rsdhope.org.  There you will find a letter, and tons and tons of information about our disease.

 

Why do I smile?  Because one day, my son was hurrying home from school and a friend of his asked him why he always was in a hurry to get home?   Bray says, because my mom has this disease, and i need to make sure she has taken her medications.. Haleigh says, don’t lie, my mom has that too… and because of 2 of our kids.. I have been blessed with one hell of a friendship with Deanna Dimond.  We have helped each other with Dr’s, our regimens on how we do our daily things.. We are there for one another no matter WHAT the situation.. She has become the sister I have truly never had and I thank god each and every day for her.. Love you bunches Deanna..

 

Why do i Smile?  I have the best family that I could EVER ASK FOR.. They support, carry, and love me for who I am.. they have never given up on me, yet cheered me on… This helps with everyday of my life.. to have people that love and care about you that much… I am blessed… Thank you to Aunt Donna to always listen to my crazy life up and downs… it means the world to me.. and to my mama and daddy.. for being the type of parents that just let me talk, but give me the support i need on a daily basis.. I love you more then life… Uncle Ron, for sending me cards, and giving me that hug i need everytime i see you, or just your sweet, loving kind words over a text message.. My brother, for listening to me cry, scream cuss, and then laugh.. To Heather, for being there for me, and telling me how things are.. straight up without missing a beat.  You have gotten me thru this last ordeal with flying colors and i will forever be grateful to you for that.  I love you girl!!!!

 

To my Boys, whom hold my entire heart in their hands… We have been through so much together just the 3 of us, but we have somehow made it… emotionally, physically, and well, we will talk about the financial part later..:))

You have given me such joy just watching you grown into men.  Into the MEN i have made you become.. You are my life, my world and my everything and i love you both each and every day of my life more and more.. Michael for always helping me with what he can, and for Bray whom usually if Deanna can’t misses school to take me to the Dr.. He has seen some pretty harsh stuff I would never want my boys to see, but they have, and i cant change that.. I just want you both to know… You make my life what it is, and as I watch you grow up and move into what you have become, I couldn’t be any happier, or more proud of either of you.  I love you both with my entire heart and soul…

 

Why do i smile?   Katie girl.. You have been in my life for the past 6 years, you have brought so much joy to my life.  If i had ever been able to have a little girl, I would have wanted her to be JUST LIKE YOU.  You made my heart full, of life, love and so much more, I do not know if i could ever explain the words to you.. I wish nothing but the very best in life for you, you are the sunshine each day I think about.. and I love you to pieces Sis.. I hope you ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT AND NEVER ONCE FORGET IT!!!!

 

Why do I smile?  Because I can sit down here, write this “note” and I can feel much better inside.  Even though I cry now.. I know that everything will be ok.  I just have to Let it go, and Let GOD!!!

 

Have a peaceful day everyone, I know i am going to sure try!!!  To all of you that matter in my life.. There is nothing I would change about any of you.. You were put in my life for a reason, and I beg you to stay..

 

I LOVE YOU ALLL!!!!!

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