Really? Is this what I bargained for?

Not sure if I have ever explained to anyone how much i HATE RSD.  If not, I am sure you will hear it from time to time.

This disease has taken over so much of my life.  Every aspect has changed drastically.  The things I used to LOVE doing that I can not do any longer.  Fishing, Hiking with my kids, getting down on the floor to play with babies, It has even taken away my patience.  I went from having all the patience to having NONE.  I just don’t understand this.  A generally healthy gal, with a few problems here and there (cold, allergies)  about sums it up.  To basically a gal that can barely walk.. and on good days.. I can walk without the help of my cane.   Those days right now seem so bleak.  I let my kids, my family my friends down.   Somedays I feel as i am good for nothing.. which is very true.  It’s been a hard road, and one that I just can’t seem to get a grip on.   It may sound as if i am whining or crying the blues, so not true.  I can still smile, laugh, carry on a good conversation, but then my memory is weak, and thinking sometimes is a problem too, but hey, don’t we all have days of CRS?  (cant remember shit)

As i try to sit, very uncomfortably in my chair, or bed writing this I have the pain, burning shooting from my back thru my legs, my entire back feels as if I could cook anything on it.. I just want a break from it all.  I know that my mama understands me so well.  I just feel as if I let her down as well.  It drives me crazy!!   My Boys, I don’t know if they truly understand it all.. I know they just hate watching me suffer and have to do all of these little things for me that i am no longer capable of.  They are my life, and without them and my family.. I dont know where I would be.   I am so very lucky!

If luck was on my side, which i surely wish it was.  I wouldn’t be in this horrible amount of pain right now.  They say that god never gives us more then what we can handle.. Then WHY?  Why do so many of my friends and I suffer from this damn disease?  Why does it hurt so bad?  Why the burning and stinging and feeling of someone sticking knife blades thru my body.  WHY?   I am blessed that it is nothing more then Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, but if our pain is the highest UNEXPLAINED pain on the McGill’s pain chart,  WHY can’t they find a cure?  Why can’t they do more then they are able to right now?

I just want a break.  I want to feel “Normal” again.  I want to be ME again.  I want my baby boys, to NOT have to see their mama like this.

I want this and need this to be the best year possible!  I want to be able to get my SCS and hopefully put some of this pain and agony behind me.  I am quite embarrassed by the way I am alot of times and that sure doesn’t help matters any.

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5 thoughts on “Really? Is this what I bargained for?

  1. Find Focus says:

    I hesitate to click “like” on this post because I don’t like that you have so much pain to live with every day. There is nothing easy about having a chronic illness and trying to maintain a normal life, and although I can certainly empathize with your struggles with illness and pain I can’t relate to the amount you have with RSD. All I can do is tell you that I think you’re very brave for writing so openly about what life has handed you. Being that transparent is never easy…

    It sounds like your family cares very much for you and would never want you to feel that you have let them down… From what I can understand of the situation, it seems that you feel you’ve disappointed people by being ill. There are times when I feel that I have done the same, but it’s important to remember that you have not chosen this for yourself.

    I hope you find peace and relief to continue to face each day with a brave face. Thank you for sharing your struggles so that others know they are not alone… : )

    • Thank you Find Focus. Your words touched me deeply. I do feel alone alot of the time and it seems as if because I have this disease, I do let people down. MY best friend of 32 years, hasn’t spoken to me for about 5 months now. Sure I know that phone or texting works both ways, However, I can’t hold the phone to well to my ear, nor can i get my fingers to touch the keypad on that little phone. Sometimes, I can’t even walk next door to see my 87 year old grandma, who’s ONLY JOY anymore is when I visit her. It breaks my heart. Tears me apart, but there’s not anything I can do. I am working on finding that peace within. I have to, not just for myself, but for my entire family. When something comes up, I just have to let them know its not possible, and there is nothing I can do about it. Thank you for bringing that back out for me, it truly is helpful and sometimes just little things that we overlook, others can see, and I am thankful you found those things in me.
      Take Care!

      • Find Focus says:

        I really do hope that something I wrote helped – if for no other reason than I understand how you feel and I know that sometimes it just helps to know that you’re not alone. : ) I hope that the weekend brings you lots of joy and happiness and that you are able to find that peace… that’s my hope and my prayer for you. : )

  2. Thank you. It means so much to me that others can relate in someway, shape or form. Not by any means would I like to see anyone with this monster. It’s usually a real struggle trying to be happy and hurting so bad at the same time. It’s when i step inside my big ole boots and just do it.

    You are so right, I haven’t chosen this life. It just seems at times when I can’t pick myself up out of bed, or I hear the words..”Mom, you just have to get up and get moving”. Those words to me are the most heartbreaking words I could possibly hear. If they only knew what it felt like TO get up and get moving. I try, day in and day out..Sometimes its totally impossible. Yet, somehow I struggle through just getting out of bed walking to their rooms to make sure everyone is OK!

    Thank you sweety, your comment was very uplifting to me, and I can’t thank you enough for your kind words. I hope you have a wonderful evening!!

  3. ranton2011 says:

    You know I wish with every fiber of my being that none of you ever feel this way. You have not let anyone down. Jeez you’re my hero!

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