Not sure if I have ever explained to anyone how much i HATE RSD. If not, I am sure you will hear it from time to time.
This disease has taken over so much of my life. Every aspect has changed drastically. The things I used to LOVE doing that I can not do any longer. Fishing, Hiking with my kids, getting down on the floor to play with babies, It has even taken away my patience. I went from having all the patience to having NONE. I just don’t understand this. A generally healthy gal, with a few problems here and there (cold, allergies) about sums it up. To basically a gal that can barely walk.. and on good days.. I can walk without the help of my cane. Those days right now seem so bleak. I let my kids, my family my friends down. Somedays I feel as i am good for nothing.. which is very true. It’s been a hard road, and one that I just can’t seem to get a grip on. It may sound as if i am whining or crying the blues, so not true. I can still smile, laugh, carry on a good conversation, but then my memory is weak, and thinking sometimes is a problem too, but hey, don’t we all have days of CRS? (cant remember shit)
As i try to sit, very uncomfortably in my chair, or bed writing this I have the pain, burning shooting from my back thru my legs, my entire back feels as if I could cook anything on it.. I just want a break from it all. I know that my mama understands me so well. I just feel as if I let her down as well. It drives me crazy!! My Boys, I don’t know if they truly understand it all.. I know they just hate watching me suffer and have to do all of these little things for me that i am no longer capable of. They are my life, and without them and my family.. I dont know where I would be. I am so very lucky!
If luck was on my side, which i surely wish it was. I wouldn’t be in this horrible amount of pain right now. They say that god never gives us more then what we can handle.. Then WHY? Why do so many of my friends and I suffer from this damn disease? Why does it hurt so bad? Why the burning and stinging and feeling of someone sticking knife blades thru my body. WHY? I am blessed that it is nothing more then Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, but if our pain is the highest UNEXPLAINED pain on the McGill’s pain chart, WHY can’t they find a cure? Why can’t they do more then they are able to right now?
I just want a break. I want to feel “Normal” again. I want to be ME again. I want my baby boys, to NOT have to see their mama like this.
I want this and need this to be the best year possible! I want to be able to get my SCS and hopefully put some of this pain and agony behind me. I am quite embarrassed by the way I am alot of times and that sure doesn’t help matters any.