My Feelings Today.

Today has been a pretty intense day for me.  I am bundled into a massive list of things that I cannot escape from it seems.   Going to the ER last night helped so much with the pain that has been brought my way this last 2 weeks, but at the same time today.. I still have the pain, attempting to overlook/ feel it, but it is not working.  It’s a delayed reaction time I truly believe.  I haven’t slept very well, I feel lonely, agitated, agravated, hurting, alone, and so much more.  I just want to feel “NORMAL” for once again in my life and I know that this is not possible, but that’s my wish.   I am trying.  I have rejected the negativity from my life and have brought in all the positives.  There are only so many things I can write about, and this pain at times seems to take it all out of me.  

I have so many dreams I want to fulfill.  I want to be able to take some trips, move, do things with my kids that they have never gotten to do.  Most of all I just would like to have someone with me doing all of these things.   It’s so hard especially when you know that most men out there aren’t going to understand the pain, and therefore who would want to be with someone that is in pain probably everyday at somepoint.  This has really been a struggle for me along the way.  I try to do the best I can with keeping my chin up and just going on.  Sometimes as I lay in my bed just thinking of everything I am missing out on.  It hurts more then words could ever describe.  I HATE for anyone to see me like this including my family.  I know they worry about me.  I know that sometimes it’s very hard to watch them watch me.  I can see the pain in their eyes, I can feel it in my heart.  

I NEVER ask myself WHY.. if I did I would be the most depressed person on earth.  I just say to myself OK, what can i do to make this better, what can I do to make ME better.  These are the things I am working on for myself so that people don’t see that part of me.  When I am hurting, I want noone to feel bad for me, I don’t want anyone to feel SORRY for me.  This has happened to me and I will deal with it the best I can, I Promise!!!

Well, I guess that is enough of my whining for the day… Not really whining but I just needed to get it out.  Thanks for listening, reading, or whatever.  I am so thankful for the friends and family I have as I have lost ALOT of friends because of this disease I have encountered.  

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