Sad!!

Happy New Year to all of you, family and Friends!

I have made a resolution to myself to become a much more positive person.  2011 was a rough one for me.  No matter what I did it wasn’t right.  I just wanted to hide away on so many of those dark and dreary days.  As I thought back on the year, there were so many things that were keeping me down, and keeping me in a “sad state” of mind.  I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, but I sure experienced it.

As I am writing this tonite, I feel as if I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders.  I just want to make everything right.  I want to be able to express my feelings but yet at times I feel like i have no one to turn to.  It’s either my same friends every time or my family.  I HATE burdening them with my problems.  I hate making anyone feel “sorry, or sad” because of the way I am.

I am still really trying to grasp this concept of all this illness and hell that has fallen on my and of course it effects those I love just as much.  What is a chronic illness?  What is the answer to that?  Whether I am sitting here, tears rolling down my cheeks flooding the front of my shirt… I sit alone, I am alone and I feel alone.   What is the pain scale.. Hell I really don’t think that they have one that would explain our pain… It’s the hardest pain to explain to anyone.   When I talk to someone, and they ask how are you?  I am not going to lie, and I know that it gets old hearing it, or seeing it.

I usually am a very happy person, and I still AM.. it’s just tucked away right now for safe keeping.   Right now, I just want some things to be done and taken care of.  I want to feel like that mom again, where the kids would come over and be like.. Your mom’s the best.. Those are the days I want back.. Will I get them?  Sure, maybe just in a different way.   OR driving down the road singing, off-key, loud, and really obnoxious with my Step Daughter that totally loved every minute of it.   Will that ever happen again?

So many things have changed in my life because of this pain, this invisible illness, this..”the dr thinks it’s all in your head”.   It’s a battle everywhere you turn, everything you try to do, it most of the time FAILS..

 

How do you come out of this?  You take 4 steps forward and 10 steps back.. Yeah, one to many I know.

 

This is going to be the best year ever I truly believe that.  However, if it’s not.. I will just chalk it up to one more fail..

 

I will put on my happy face, and be the woman I once was.. No one deserves ANY LESS from me and that is the person I will be…

 

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