Really? Is this what I bargained for?

Not sure if I have ever explained to anyone how much i HATE RSD.  If not, I am sure you will hear it from time to time.

This disease has taken over so much of my life.  Every aspect has changed drastically.  The things I used to LOVE doing that I can not do any longer.  Fishing, Hiking with my kids, getting down on the floor to play with babies, It has even taken away my patience.  I went from having all the patience to having NONE.  I just don’t understand this.  A generally healthy gal, with a few problems here and there (cold, allergies)  about sums it up.  To basically a gal that can barely walk.. and on good days.. I can walk without the help of my cane.   Those days right now seem so bleak.  I let my kids, my family my friends down.   Somedays I feel as i am good for nothing.. which is very true.  It’s been a hard road, and one that I just can’t seem to get a grip on.   It may sound as if i am whining or crying the blues, so not true.  I can still smile, laugh, carry on a good conversation, but then my memory is weak, and thinking sometimes is a problem too, but hey, don’t we all have days of CRS?  (cant remember shit)

As i try to sit, very uncomfortably in my chair, or bed writing this I have the pain, burning shooting from my back thru my legs, my entire back feels as if I could cook anything on it.. I just want a break from it all.  I know that my mama understands me so well.  I just feel as if I let her down as well.  It drives me crazy!!   My Boys, I don’t know if they truly understand it all.. I know they just hate watching me suffer and have to do all of these little things for me that i am no longer capable of.  They are my life, and without them and my family.. I dont know where I would be.   I am so very lucky!

If luck was on my side, which i surely wish it was.  I wouldn’t be in this horrible amount of pain right now.  They say that god never gives us more then what we can handle.. Then WHY?  Why do so many of my friends and I suffer from this damn disease?  Why does it hurt so bad?  Why the burning and stinging and feeling of someone sticking knife blades thru my body.  WHY?   I am blessed that it is nothing more then Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, but if our pain is the highest UNEXPLAINED pain on the McGill’s pain chart,  WHY can’t they find a cure?  Why can’t they do more then they are able to right now?

I just want a break.  I want to feel “Normal” again.  I want to be ME again.  I want my baby boys, to NOT have to see their mama like this.

I want this and need this to be the best year possible!  I want to be able to get my SCS and hopefully put some of this pain and agony behind me.  I am quite embarrassed by the way I am alot of times and that sure doesn’t help matters any.

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Sad!!

Happy New Year to all of you, family and Friends!

I have made a resolution to myself to become a much more positive person.  2011 was a rough one for me.  No matter what I did it wasn’t right.  I just wanted to hide away on so many of those dark and dreary days.  As I thought back on the year, there were so many things that were keeping me down, and keeping me in a “sad state” of mind.  I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, but I sure experienced it.

As I am writing this tonite, I feel as if I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders.  I just want to make everything right.  I want to be able to express my feelings but yet at times I feel like i have no one to turn to.  It’s either my same friends every time or my family.  I HATE burdening them with my problems.  I hate making anyone feel “sorry, or sad” because of the way I am.

I am still really trying to grasp this concept of all this illness and hell that has fallen on my and of course it effects those I love just as much.  What is a chronic illness?  What is the answer to that?  Whether I am sitting here, tears rolling down my cheeks flooding the front of my shirt… I sit alone, I am alone and I feel alone.   What is the pain scale.. Hell I really don’t think that they have one that would explain our pain… It’s the hardest pain to explain to anyone.   When I talk to someone, and they ask how are you?  I am not going to lie, and I know that it gets old hearing it, or seeing it.

I usually am a very happy person, and I still AM.. it’s just tucked away right now for safe keeping.   Right now, I just want some things to be done and taken care of.  I want to feel like that mom again, where the kids would come over and be like.. Your mom’s the best.. Those are the days I want back.. Will I get them?  Sure, maybe just in a different way.   OR driving down the road singing, off-key, loud, and really obnoxious with my Step Daughter that totally loved every minute of it.   Will that ever happen again?

So many things have changed in my life because of this pain, this invisible illness, this..”the dr thinks it’s all in your head”.   It’s a battle everywhere you turn, everything you try to do, it most of the time FAILS..

 

How do you come out of this?  You take 4 steps forward and 10 steps back.. Yeah, one to many I know.

 

This is going to be the best year ever I truly believe that.  However, if it’s not.. I will just chalk it up to one more fail..

 

I will put on my happy face, and be the woman I once was.. No one deserves ANY LESS from me and that is the person I will be…

 

Changes

In our lives there comes many changes, we are little, we have fond memories of them. My memories for this blog are going to consist of just that.

When i was little i lived right in front of my cousins, Christy AKA sis, and Kenny.. Who were always at my house. My parents kinda took them in as any aunt and uncle would who were good people. Esp, when you live right beside one another. So as we grew up it was more like a sister and brother type of relationship that we had with them.

We had some family that lived in missouri and would visit frequently. But, as we grew up, my cousin would baby-sit us, and her boyfriend would always come over because he was cool.. and at that time i truly remember 2 songs that come to my mind that we would listen to as he would blare them in his El Camino or something like that, but they were Chevy Van and Lovin, touchin, squeezin. Wow, what those memories would hold.. My cousins best friend was Jackie, she was alot of fun and she would play with us while my cousin would make out with her boyfriend Lance, yeah good babysitter huh? LOL Kenny, chad and I would all do something else which would always end up somehow of getting into trouble by the end of the night, HOW, i really dont know…hehe

Anyway, as the time went on Sis was getting into some things that she shouldnt have been, but.. hey, it happens. So, one day I heard my mom and dad talking about how she was going to MO.. I thought to myself no… So mom and dad called us down stairs and was telling us how she was going to be going. We thought we had some time to play with her yet, boy was i mistaken. We had to go over that moment and tell her good-bye… ;(

I clearly remember standing in my bathroom upstairs, in the window watching and cried as they loaded the car with her belongings and then they got in. She sat in the window waving to me for as far as i could watch her… I remember running to every window for the hopes of just one more glance before she was out of sight.

This was a pretty rough time for me, but it couldn’t have been more of the wrong place to send her. There they would buy 20-25 cases of beer right off the beer truck. She didn;t need to be exposed to any more of that, she was just doing a fine job of doing that on her own here!!! So anyway I guess that the importance of her being there to here brought me to alot of my feelings today.

We were very close, she was more like a sister to me then a cousin. We had some really great times together, here and when she was there. We did many things together, shopping, go karting, mini golf.. white water, which was a huge water park. When she was drinking it wasn’t so much fun, she was always looking to start an argument, fight, whatever it maybe…but i still loved her when she was that way, most of the time..hehe

Anyway, as we both grew older she became a parent, got married, and had a beautiful lil girl.. Still her drinking kept up, and it really made life at times so hard, because when we were so wanting to help her she just kept pulling away. It was crazy. Sometimes, you don’t realize how hard alcohol can hurt a relationship until your in that posistion. I just know that it has taken years of struggle, tears, and a lot of hard work to get to the point we are at again. I missed so much, but yet learned a great deal. Working with someone to try to help them is much harder then it seems, they ALWAYS think they are right, they always have the answers, and noone can tell them any differently. It’s been a struggle, ok so i wont lie. It’s been hell, and wearing at times.

Today, she is in a relationship, her daughter has grown and has 2 beautiful children of her own. She has moved away from the state that has been “Poison” to her for so many years. She just didn’t realize that. Today as she is in a completely different state, working everyday, and not drinking.. she is a different person. The one I knew and LOVED growing up, as children, and as a partial adult.. The woman that she is now, is loving again, caring, and just a totally different person. I believe that it took that for her to realize that drinking is something that NEEDS to be a part of her life, but one that she can live and without drinking and becoming the person she was..

I am very proud of her and am thankful for this CHANGE in her life. I am not sure where she would have ended up.. Which scared us all..

Thank you for CHANGES in LIFE that have brought her back to girl I used to know and love very much. I love you sis and am very proud of you!!!!

Parents, My Parents!

Webster’s Dictionary defines as such..

1par·ent

noun \ˈper-ənt\

Definition of PARENT

1
a : one that begets or brings forth offspringb : a person who brings up and cares for another
2
a : an animal or plant that is regarded in relation to its offspringb : the material or source from which something is derived
This is a pretty good definition of what a parent is.  I have my own thoughts and views as to what I FEEL a Parent should be.   Sure, I am probably going to start a lot of controversy here but what the hell… It’s only a blog right?
To begin with I am definitely an offspring of 2 people who fell in love, married and had me.  They were grade school sweethearts, and this relationship had carried through way beyond high school years.   If the story I am about to tell is partially correct, or even 99.8 % correct, I did my job as a child, listening to my parents as they brought me and my brother up and listened to just about everyone boast about how this all happened, so please excuse me for 1 minute, if I may make a mistake as i have heard it from so many.    Mom and Dad to which i knew them, started dating in the 7th grade.  My mom was always such a pretty lil one, and well my dad strong and handsome, but could be somewhat of a pistol..(hmm, wonder if this is where i get that from), whereas my Mom was such a sweet, kind, caring,loving girl even back then.. ( Now, I KNOW that’s where I got THAT from)  :).     These 2 fell in love and became sweethearts almost immediately.    No questions, it was true love!  ❤ …  Well, as they went thru school and became more mature adults my dad’s parents would take my mom on vacations with them to White Water Wisc.  Where my grandparents had a home.. a very serene, place right on White Water.   This is the place that my dad took my mom out in the canoe and proposed under the sunset.  When they had come back everyone at White water could hardly wait for the answer, as my mom and dad came off the canoe.   They all loved my mom like she was one of their own, it has become a nightly ritual for my mom and dad to be talking on the phone with one another every night after homework and such was done, and many a night they would fall asleep on the phone together.  My grandma likes telling me just where my dad would be found after following the phone cord night after night, under the dining room table…sound asleep with phone still attached to his ear…:)
(It just so happens that I am living in the house that my dad grew up in,  to me.. it don’t get much better then that)
So night after night, of long night phone calls, and all of the fun things, trips, and such that they would take my mom on with them as they went as a family,  it was soon going to become a reality.. As the 2 of them made their wedding vows, mom was a beautician and dad worked at the nuc plant.   I may be off a few years here, but who’s counting.. what comes next is the best anyway… So they bought a little house, that sat on 10th avenue in RF, and is still there today.  Well, what had become of that late night phone romancing turned into 9 months later having the sweetest little baby they ever laid eyes on… ME!   🙂   I Happened.  That’s a miracle in itself, because from the time I could remember until now, I felt very fortunate to had the best parents in the world.  2 years later they broke the mold and i had a new baby brother, boy did that kid ever have this head shaped like an egg.  It was like amazing.. but no wonder after 30 some hours of trying to give birth to that kid, it’s no wonder right?   Oh my little brother, I adored so, and still do to this day.. I truly believe that because of that egg-shaped head when he was born, he got it all, talent, singing, acting, seriousness, politicalness, and on and on.. Dude, for real, there was a reason for that.. He had it all and I got Jack shit!!!  🙂  Well my last name, and I absolutely LOVE that name…:)
My parents were the most loving, caring, fun, individuals you would have ever envisioned.  They rocked parenting well.  They worked together so hard, to give my brother and I the tools that we needed to find our own inner selves and strength.. little did we know we were gonna need this later on.  I mean really, you just don’t find parents that work that hard together to make a life full of love, and devotion, and all around joyous.  They were a real team, a grand pair so to speak.  Mom, was able to go back to school and Chad and I went with her to Sauk, where I can vividly remember driving in our orange VW Rabbit, back and forth to the school, so Chad, I and JoJo could go to “school” while mom was working on her degree.  It seemed as every morning as we were rounding the curve on RT2 on our way to Dixon, John Denver would come on the radio singing.. Country Roads, take me home.. to a place.. I belong.. which at the time really didn’t mean much to either Chad or I, as we were perfectly content in the backseat eating our donut and drinking our milk, and talking about what kind of day we were going to have at “school”.   So, as the years went on, as mom was going to school dad was working jobs that he could be home with us when mom wasn’t.  We started growing up.. There was so much to be said about us growing up in our family.  We had all the love my parents could muster.  They had the love, that really anyone to have known them would have wanted.    Plus, we had grandparents, and even a great-grandma who was amazing in herself.   They all helped out when needed!!  We were one tough family.. always beside one another.. no matter what!!!!
So, clearly as time went on Chad and I both were able to witness my beautiful mama walking across that stage at NIU getting her Masters Degree in Education.   Once mom was done with school, dad decided that he wanted to continue his degree as well.    He decided that he wanted to be a broker/owner of Kimmel Realty.   He also finished his degree and went on to be a wonderful business man and a very proud one at that.  As you can I have skipped through many phases in our lives only, because if i hadn’t this would have turned into a book and quite honestly I don’t even know how i am writing this at all right now.  I mean it is only 4 30 am…:)
Chad and I were taught to respect and honor those elder to us, have respect when speaking, and learn respect things about ourselves and others, that no-one could have set a better path for that then our parents, it’s still what I have instilled into my boys as well.  Oh wow, i just skipped MANY years…lol
So, as I got through school, and Chad was working his way thru, they taught the most important thing we could have learned at that time.. Work Ethics.  They both had excellent ones, as Chad and i do as well.  We both wanted to be teachers growing up, as our parents wanted us to set goal within and for ourselves, which we did.  Just so happened that we both chose a profession that really wasn’t going to make either of us a whole lot of money but, we would end up doing fine for ourselves,  So as Chad finished high school, the day of his graduation my dad has a heart attack and passed away…Graduation day for my brother was nothing as it should have been, but still even tho, all of that had happened that morning he still got up on that stage and accepted his diploma for dad!!  Of course for himself as well, but he knew… he knew that dad was so proud of him, as he was with us both.  We had become devastated.  One of the hardest days in our lives as I can ever remember, but one that really opened our eyes as to what had to be done be done next.  So we did what dad would have wanted us to.  We took care of mama, and went on our ways with finishing our educations.  A year later I had my first son born, Michael James, after his grandpa.  He would have been so proud!!!!    My dad was a special guy to all of us and we miss him deeply.   Chad went on to school, to get his degrees in Drama, or the Arts as some of us refer to it as.. and now has his Elementary Education Degree ( Masters plus)  and is teaching school in Chicago, for the 9th year I believe.  Forgive me if i am wrong Chad, but you know what my memory is like…:)
I well, i finished up my College degree and well then went and had and another amazing son, Brayden.   I then had my degree finished with early childhood education and had a nice little family going.  Enjoying my loves, and keeping mama busy when she wasn’t working or being with her friends so much of the time, thank you Kelly.. You have and will always be one person I look up to forever in my life!!!!  love ya girl..
So, Mom decided that she didn’t want any type of relationship at this point, which was just fine by Chad, Michael and myself..lol  we were a lil stingy then I do believe.  However, about 10 years after dads passing, we has this huge 50th surprize party for mom… There was this man who has always intrigued me.  A friend of my dad’s that hunted with him.  As I was making these plans for the party, I call my brother and i say, HEY.. I have the best idea in the world… lol  He already knew by this time i was completely full of shit because as i have stated many time previously he got it all, looks, talent, voice.. you name it.. he had it…:)  He was like oh boy… I can almost hear him saying it now…:))   I said remember that friend of mom and dads that used to come to our house and dad used to go hunting with him, and Chad’s like yes, Terry Walker?  I said YEAH!!!   What would you think about inviting him to mom’s party… Chad said go ahead and see where that leads you.. Thinking that I’m def not a match maker or something I mean really.. He was the one that HAD it all remember…:)   I send Terry an invite to mom’s party… to be quite honest, just filling out the invitation gave me these butterfly things, and I was like woahh, what is wrong with me?   So, the day after the RSVP date, I get a phone call, and he is like Hi this is Terry Walker, is this Amy.. Ohhhh i got the biggest smile in the world going on.. I said it sure is, he said well, I just seen that i had laid this card off to the side meaning to call you since i received it to let you know i was going to come… I was like SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!   I didn’t care if he had a girlfriend or what not.. I was happy as all get out for once.. this pea for brains chic had such a great idea… :))   So I immediately called my brother and was like omg omg omg omg, guess who just called me.. He’s like what the hell calm down… If you know my brother at all, you know he clearly can get aggravated with me easily…LOL  I guess its cuz that’s where MY personality comes alive.. 🙂  When I talk!   So i told him and i could hear the smile in his voice as i told him, and we hung up and i immediately called Brenda to pass on the news to her as well…LOL  This was a happy day for me.. Something FINALLY worked in my favor…:))
So we have the party, my aunt, and cousins from florida, friends and family from Missouri all came.. It was one of the best parties to that date that we had, as we had somehow dwelled the last 10 years prior to that away… Our party turned into an OVERNIGHT success, and i truly mean that when i say overnight success… My mama and dad (Terry)  have now been married and together for the last 11 years.. and I am telling you what, the day that my dad asked us kids if he could marry my mama, It was the happiest day in my life!!  not just for me, as we were getting a step dad that my own dad would have been so happy with, but a grandpa the boys could grow up with and a love and a man  that my mom could love for the rest of her life… We have all truly been blessed by an angel, My real dad, that looks down on us and lead my mama and dad (Terry)  together.  The day of the wedding as mama was getting ready to come down the aisle, I said dad, please show me a sign if this is something you are happy with, and just as the congregation stood at the church to watch my beautiful mom walk down the aisle to our new step dad, the light flickered and i knew this was going to be the life that we were meant to have… I understand that no-one can ever take the place of a biological parent, but It was what my dad wanted, we wanted for my mom and everyone that loved them wanted for them as well.. and to be quite honest… I am so very blessed, because there is no-one in this life I would want for my dad, since i can’t have my real one then TERRY WALKER… Dad, you have been such a complete blessing to me, the boys, Chad and our significant others that we couldn’t be luckier then we are.  Thank you for coming to that party, and most of all thank you for being the dad we sooo deserved!!!!   It has been 11 amazing years and I hope for all of the rest of our years together to be just amazing as these have been.    Both of my dad’s have had my heart, and they will both continue to till the day I die.  He has really showed us so many things when it comes to love, guidance, happiness, and joy…
Just to end this wonderful little story that I have sat here and created, I have also been blessed with a sister I never had, yet played with as a child, and a brother as well… I feel very fortunate in my 41 years to have had 2 Dad’s that have completely stole my heart, and will always have my love, and respect in so many ways.  Not only was I blessed with one Great Father.. I have been blessed with 2, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world…
I love you Mom and Dad… and dad in heaven, I know you watch over all of us and guide us, and you are…Our Perfect Angel!!!!!

My Kids— The Joys of my life!!!

My boys are the biggest and the most important part of my life.  They have always come first and they always will.  I feel as if being a parent has been somewhat easy at times and a total bitch at others.  I love it when they come to me and talk so openly with me, I feel as if I am being a good listener, and just enjoying it all with my heart open wide…

There have been times I have wanted to kick them in the ass to head them in the right direction, but yet… they always seem to make that slight turn that takes them down the beaten path.  One day as I was telling them, Look.. I did this when I was your age, but.. I am telling you this so you don’t make the same mistakes I did…. bahhah, that was a FAIL.. like they are going to listen to me, what am I thinking?  REALLY!!!!   They both have chosen paths that I have adored to be quite honest.  My boys are hard working men, they love to have fun, and when i look at them, the joy i feel in my heart tells me i have done a good job in my eyes, but further more.. it tells me, that just when I truly didn’t think they were listening THEY WERE.

To be quite honest, I would love them to be a lil more uppity when it comes to helping me, but.. of course I DO like things done the way i like them, and I do like them to do it when I ask them, not 3 days later…LOL   Then I stop and think to myself,  Why do I put myself thru the hell of arguing with them, its not like they are out causing all kinds of havoc, running the streets and being rotten.  They are boys for Christ Sake’s and they will do what they want when they want… I just need to accept that.   It’s hard…

When the dr’s discovered that I had an uncureable disease my boys stood up and took hold.  They have been my biggest supporters, and yet I think that deep inside everytime they look at me, or something new comes about, they have to learn to deal with it all over again.  They have taken me to my Dr apt’s, to therapy, they have done everything under the sun for me when it has come to that.. I am actually still waiting on a handrail however, to get up and down the stairs…lololol  First things first i guess.  🙂     I will never forget the very first Dr appt I had that my youngest son took me too, I thought he was going to jump down that dr’s throat, and just go from there.  We got out of that office and All i heard for the 2 and a half hours how he would have just liked to punch that asshole in the face…LOL,   Little did he know at the time.. SO DID I… Then, he took me to another one, this time, as the Dr was examining me, and doing a test on me the look on his sweet little face, just made me sob.. They were hurting me and he was scared shitless..  Neither him or I could wait to get out of that one.   My stories go on and on with him and Dr’s.  I didn’t want to keep this from my boys, I wanted them to see that it is real, and the things that have changed about me are real, and sometimes scary.  Most of all, I wanted them there by my side thru all of this..  It’s hard enough trying to do this kinda stuff alone, but when your kids start helping and learning more and more about it, and seeing what it’s doing to mom.. They understand it enough to start spreading the word.

My oldest son took me to a few as well, this boy works or was working 2 jobs going to college full time and helping me as much as he could.  So the few visits that he has been able to attend, I have gotten blocks.  You never really are prepared for anything like this until you have been thru it  a few times.  I had a block on my back on this one particular day that my oldest took me.  It was called a lumbar injection.  It wasn’t so bad until I came back in the room and he seen me.  He got upset as well, and just was ready to go.  I know that it is hard for them to except this type of stuff but the last thing I ever wanted, was for them to NOT be a part of my medical needs.  They needed to be there, here what the Dr has said and go from there…

I am almost 100% sure that neither of them have truly dealt with this all.  Not even sure they have really wanted to go this far with any of it.  None of us have, but you have to do what you have to do.  They are my pullers, they pull me thru some tough times, they keep me up when i need them too, and most of all they are there for me when the going gets too tough for me to put on my big girl panties and kick the world in the ass!!!

J and Bray, I want you both to know that you are my life, my world, my rock, and my heart!!!  You have made me PROUD to be your MAMA, and I am so happy that we have that special bond that noone could take away, even tho one has tried.  You have both done well,.. I know that you will continue down that path and that you will both make the right decisions, I handed you the tools you needed when you were little, with some help from your dad.. and I know that He loves you too.  He is proud of you as well.  We kicked the hell outta the years that we struggled so hard with, and we made it thru.  As long as I have the 2 of you.. We can make it thru anything, and i think that we have proved that over the last 19 years.  You have no idea how proud I am to be your Mom, and I need to tell you more!!   I love you both with my entire heart and soul, and you will always be my world, my happy place.  I love you both so very much thank you for being the MEN you are!!!

I Love you,

Mom

Starting Over…

LOVE… what is it?  What defines it?  How does it feel?  That’s what I would like to know… The dictionary defines it as

Definition of LOVE

1
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>
2
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3
a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>(1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4
a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person’s adoration of God
5
: a god or personification of love
6
: an amorous episode : love affair
7
: the sexual embrace : copulation
I thought I had all of this, but was proved terribly wrong.  As I look back over the 6 years,  I really don’t remember what or if i ever had any of the above.  I questioned, whether love was something that was taken away when a friendship was placed on hold, I lost alot of my friends.. I never under stood why.  I do now.. I realized that it was taken away from in every shape and form of my life.  I was to be in one place, with one person all the time.  That come to find out , truly is not love.   I was mistaken.  I have learned alot over the last few years.  I ended up getting hurt at work, the place that I truly did love working at.  It was fun, the guys there treated me like I was one of them… Hey, This tomboy, sailor mouth really fit in and i loved it, I did new and exciting things everyday until i got hurt.  Then it all went down hill.
I guess when you LOVE someone you sit around and watch them suffer, you let them go to dr appointments on their own, and don’t really ever get into the groove of being with that person going thru the hell.   In my own eyes,  had my LOVED one been the one hurt, I would have been there watching it all, going thru it all…. not just sitting back waiting on a phone call,  or waiting to talk to I got home… thats NOT LOVE…
Now, don’t go getting me wrong, I LOVED my marriage, i LOVED the person that I was with, I loved the things we did together, but that didn’t matter.   when I got hurt, that LOVE diminished to be a one-sided love.. No i WONT act like i am 15 in public and hang all over someone, show affection in the right place and time of course.. That is or has never been a problem with me, I Do LOVE Affection…:)
So, anyway, it ended.. not on such a happy note, the one I chose to LOVE for the rest of my life took off.  I guess that VOWS dont mean much to anyone anymore.. Which is ok,  I still have 2 people that i LOVE with my entire heart, and would no matter if they are 49 and 33.. or 9 and just starting to LOVE life… its what its all about.  So what do you do when someone you thought loved you walks out?  You get the hell over it.. obviously there was no LOVE there to begin with…
So, I have my boys, and my step-daughter that i still and will always show my honest LOVE to.. It’s important to me, to let them know, to show them, and to accept that no matter what, if there is a change in them I will stand beside them and love them no matter what the reason…Anyway I just thought that I would share a bit of my past with you all, and that all of  you I love, I LOVE you for one reason or another and that’s just the way I am.  So thank you to all of you that have been here thru all of this with me,  and to those who just came into my life the past few months,  There is a reason, You are still in it.. When I LOVE I LOVE with my entire heart and soul!!!!

Why Do I Cry?

I hurt, the pain won’t stop.  The burning feels like vats of fire that are havocing my body inch by inch.  Why is it so hard to see, yet so damn easy to feel?  Why, does it feel like everyone just tends to think.. yeah right.. She looks fine!!  I am so tired of feeling this way, I need a way to deal with things better.  I try to uphold my positive attitude, and laugh and smile, and carry on.  Why does it still hurt?  Hug me, yes.. would love that.  But.. that hurts too.  Its hurts so bad that I am not crying because I am hugging you goodbye or goodnight, I am crying because I am hurting so bad inside its killing me.  I miss that, the times when ANYONE could come up and give me a hug, and now.. I am so careful.  My Grandma is 87 almost.. I miss her hugs the most i do!!!  I just want to be able to wrap my arms around anyone and hug them for a long time.. but it hurts.. That is one of my favorite things to do!!

 

So, why do I cry?   I cry because what once was, is no more.  The things I used to LOVE doing I can’t.  Hell, I can barely make it up 3 steps on my GOOD DAYS!!!  Hiking is out.  I can walk for bits at a  time, but let me tell you.. if i over do it, I usually end up in the hospital for a good dose of medicine to get it stopped.  Even then that don’t ALWAYS help.  Hell, I just wish that at times I could curl up in a corner and wish this all away.. Not going to happen..

 

So.. why do I cry?  I cry because I am missing out on so much with my boys.. THANK YOU GOD, for not making them any younger then they are, when i developed this horrific disease.  and now, add bad problems to it.. Yeah, its great.. My kids are great most of the time.. I know they both get scared from time to time, as when I am starting my new meds, or something like that, and I am spaced out.  I can’t even carry on a decent converstation.   They look at me with that look in their eyes that just says, Mom, why can’t you be the you, you used to be… HEARTBREAKING!!!  Or yet, when i ask them about something, they give me an answer and yet.. 15 minutes later I am asking again.  Only to hear.. mom you just asked me that.. I dont even remember saying a word to them about it..

 

So, why do i cry?  I cry because I am not the daughter, grand-daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin I used to be.  I love my family with my entire heart, and quite honestly i DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM!!!  I have 2 absolutley wonderful, beautiful friends that have helped me more then they will ever know.. Deanna and Heather.  Without them.. keeping me busy, talking to me, pumping me up.. and then there are my internet friends.. Friends that i DEFINATELY could not be without.  They tell me that some of my best friends live in the computer and that is right, they really do..They bring me up when i am down as well.  I have met some, and do plan on meeting more.

 

Where would you be if you were put in this posistion, how would you handle yourself?  I can’t clean for myself anymore, doing dishes is just a thing of the past…I can go on and on about what i can’t do.. I can continue to be down,. but i am not going to.. I will tell you why…

 

Why, I smile?   I wake every morning to the sounds of my boys talking, or getting ready for school, I hear the dog barking outside, I talk to my mom and dad, grandma and friends on the phone daily.. I can get out of bed, even if it takes me 20 minutes to do so, thats just 20 more minutes I get to enjoy just listening…

 

I smile, because I do have family, friends, and all that do love me, and I am able to do things with.  My boys, take me to dinner, mom and dad do the same.  I talk to them on the phone, and sometimes for too many hours, right Aunt Donna..:)

 

I smile because I can see the colors changing and the leaves on the ground, knowing that fall is just around the corner.. Fall is and has always been my favorite time of year.  The smells, the beauty, the 1st snowfall, just about everything about fall makes my heart sing…and makes me smile.

 

I may have alot of flaws within me as a person, I may have some hatered, but.. I am still ME.. nothing is going to change that, my heart still beats the way it should and because of that, I would give my left shoe on a cold winter day to someone that was missing one.. I still have my personality one that can at times make people laugh and can make them cry.. My grandma blames me for being the one that makes her talk like a sailor, hey what the hell you ONLY LIVE ONCE…

 

Why do I smile?  Because someday, I know that deep in my heart even if it happens after I leave this place.. there will be a cure found, and for those that come after me.. They will get help… I hope that my boys, give all the information they know about RSD/CRPS to EVERYONE they know.. The only way people are going to know about this dibilitating disease is if it gets spread from person to person.. So yes, if you want to know what its all about, I try to give websites, help groups, there are so many right here on FB.. Here to Help is a fabulous one.. and then rsdhope.org.  There you will find a letter, and tons and tons of information about our disease.

 

Why do I smile?  Because one day, my son was hurrying home from school and a friend of his asked him why he always was in a hurry to get home?   Bray says, because my mom has this disease, and i need to make sure she has taken her medications.. Haleigh says, don’t lie, my mom has that too… and because of 2 of our kids.. I have been blessed with one hell of a friendship with Deanna Dimond.  We have helped each other with Dr’s, our regimens on how we do our daily things.. We are there for one another no matter WHAT the situation.. She has become the sister I have truly never had and I thank god each and every day for her.. Love you bunches Deanna..

 

Why do i Smile?  I have the best family that I could EVER ASK FOR.. They support, carry, and love me for who I am.. they have never given up on me, yet cheered me on… This helps with everyday of my life.. to have people that love and care about you that much… I am blessed… Thank you to Aunt Donna to always listen to my crazy life up and downs… it means the world to me.. and to my mama and daddy.. for being the type of parents that just let me talk, but give me the support i need on a daily basis.. I love you more then life… Uncle Ron, for sending me cards, and giving me that hug i need everytime i see you, or just your sweet, loving kind words over a text message.. My brother, for listening to me cry, scream cuss, and then laugh.. To Heather, for being there for me, and telling me how things are.. straight up without missing a beat.  You have gotten me thru this last ordeal with flying colors and i will forever be grateful to you for that.  I love you girl!!!!

 

To my Boys, whom hold my entire heart in their hands… We have been through so much together just the 3 of us, but we have somehow made it… emotionally, physically, and well, we will talk about the financial part later..:))

You have given me such joy just watching you grown into men.  Into the MEN i have made you become.. You are my life, my world and my everything and i love you both each and every day of my life more and more.. Michael for always helping me with what he can, and for Bray whom usually if Deanna can’t misses school to take me to the Dr.. He has seen some pretty harsh stuff I would never want my boys to see, but they have, and i cant change that.. I just want you both to know… You make my life what it is, and as I watch you grow up and move into what you have become, I couldn’t be any happier, or more proud of either of you.  I love you both with my entire heart and soul…

 

Why do i smile?   Katie girl.. You have been in my life for the past 6 years, you have brought so much joy to my life.  If i had ever been able to have a little girl, I would have wanted her to be JUST LIKE YOU.  You made my heart full, of life, love and so much more, I do not know if i could ever explain the words to you.. I wish nothing but the very best in life for you, you are the sunshine each day I think about.. and I love you to pieces Sis.. I hope you ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT AND NEVER ONCE FORGET IT!!!!

 

Why do I smile?  Because I can sit down here, write this “note” and I can feel much better inside.  Even though I cry now.. I know that everything will be ok.  I just have to Let it go, and Let GOD!!!

 

Have a peaceful day everyone, I know i am going to sure try!!!  To all of you that matter in my life.. There is nothing I would change about any of you.. You were put in my life for a reason, and I beg you to stay..

 

I LOVE YOU ALLL!!!!!