It’s 1 am on Sunday night. I’m all alone and feeling the same way, when online pops many of my RSD friends that are ALSO not able to sleep due to the insomnia that keeps us awake! I believe that this is going on about 4 days now, with maybe 9 hours of sleep total. Where does this road end? When does the Journey that allows us all to get a bit of a break and allow us to sleep happen? You would think with as many meds as most of us are on, that we would be able to get some sleep. Not so much!!!
I remember when I first started with this disease and someone told me, Get all the sleep you can now, at anytime you can because before you know it.. Sleep will be a thing of the past. WOW, How I wish i would have listened. Instead all i get is this saggy, baggy eye thing going on, yawning every 2 minutes and when I go to lay down…Not a dang thing happens! I’ve tried all natural meds, I’ve tried sleeping meds, I’ve tried about anything and everything you can humanly imagine and here I still am, awake with my insomniac croonies!
We all know, that if we don’t get a good nights sleep, it turns into a hellish next day and it just keeps going on like that day after day. You really would think that our bodies would just literally Shut themselves off after so many hours with NOTHING! HA, yeah right!..
I am too the point where I just can’t take much more, it’s driving me to a breaking point. I try and try and nothing seems to even come close to getting sleep. It’s one thing after another, it continually goes on and on. I am thankful for the friends I have made that have RSD as well, that are also a part of the insomniac club. I don’t know what i would do without them!!!
LOVE… what is it? What defines it? How does it feel? That’s what I would like to know… The dictionary defines it as
Definition of LOVE
a (1) :
strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love
for a child> (2) :
attraction based on sexual desire :
affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) :
affection based on admiration, benevolence
, or common interests <love
for his old schoolmates>b :
an assurance of affection <give her my love
, enthusiasm, or devotion <love
of the sea>
the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball
was his first love
>b (1) :
a beloved person : darling
—often used as a term of endearment (2) British
—used as an informal term of address
a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person’s adoration of God
I thought I had all of this, but was proved terribly wrong. As I look back over the 6 years, I really don’t remember what or if i ever had any of the above. I questioned, whether love was something that was taken away when a friendship was placed on hold, I lost alot of my friends.. I never under stood why. I do now.. I realized that it was taken away from in every shape and form of my life. I was to be in one place, with one person all the time. That come to find out , truly is not love. I was mistaken. I have learned alot over the last few years. I ended up getting hurt at work, the place that I truly did love working at. It was fun, the guys there treated me like I was one of them… Hey, This tomboy, sailor mouth really fit in and i loved it, I did new and exciting things everyday until i got hurt. Then it all went down hill.
I guess when you LOVE someone you sit around and watch them suffer, you let them go to dr appointments on their own, and don’t really ever get into the groove of being with that person going thru the hell. In my own eyes, had my LOVED one been the one hurt, I would have been there watching it all, going thru it all…. not just sitting back waiting on a phone call, or waiting to talk to I got home… thats NOT LOVE…
Now, don’t go getting me wrong, I LOVED my marriage, i LOVED the person that I was with, I loved the things we did together, but that didn’t matter. when I got hurt, that LOVE diminished to be a one-sided love.. No i WONT act like i am 15 in public and hang all over someone, show affection in the right place and time of course.. That is or has never been a problem with me, I Do LOVE Affection…:)
So, anyway, it ended.. not on such a happy note, the one I chose to LOVE for the rest of my life took off. I guess that VOWS dont mean much to anyone anymore.. Which is ok, I still have 2 people that i LOVE with my entire heart, and would no matter if they are 49 and 33.. or 9 and just starting to LOVE life… its what its all about. So what do you do when someone you thought loved you walks out? You get the hell over it.. obviously there was no LOVE there to begin with…
So, I have my boys, and my step-daughter that i still and will always show my honest LOVE to.. It’s important to me, to let them know, to show them, and to accept that no matter what, if there is a change in them I will stand beside them and love them no matter what the reason…Anyway I just thought that I would share a bit of my past with you all, and that all of you I love, I LOVE you for one reason or another and that’s just the way I am. So thank you to all of you that have been here thru all of this with me, and to those who just came into my life the past few months, There is a reason, You are still in it.. When I LOVE I LOVE with my entire heart and soul!!!!
I just wanted to take a few minutes here to call you out on believing in me enough to be able to sit down and write blogs. Here I am just doing the things that I have learned about through session for teens in trouble, and now I find myself doing the same thing. Writing. Writing when I am upset, hurting from the pain of my RSD, or just hurting in general.. The kids I used to work with, we would tell them to write when angered, upset, or just feeling a lil lonely. It’s a wonderful way to convey your feelings when you just do not want to share them outloud. I even had my step-daughter doing a journal this summer. She did so well and loved doing it every night after all of our bedtime rituals. It was amazing the things that I never thought she would even remember about our day, or the time we spent together, she did and wrote with all of her journaling on each page she would draw a face of how she was feeling. It was a great thing to see especially because she was almost 9 at the time.
So Thank you Tara, for making this so easy for me. I think of all the things I have been through over the summer, in the last 3 and a half years,, i have alot of things to write about. So I am pretty excited to get it all going. This is going to be good for my soul as well, some I will laugh some will make me cry, but most of all to open my heart to feel whole and complete again. That is something I am really looking forward too..
Here is a big to Tara, for everything you have done for me, your friendship means so much…..