To My Boys, Michael and Brayden with All my Love!!!

Somedays it is really hard to understand myself, believe in myself, or try to see the little bit of good I may do for you.

Living our lives has been rocky at times and yet other times, it’s been like we have been floating on a huge piece of glass and things are just or seem just perfect.  Then we realize that nothing is ever perfect, it’s what you make out of it that makes it perfect or not.   In the 20 years I have been a mom, I have made mistakes, put you through some undue stress and other times I have tried to be the Best Mom I knew how to be.  I was raised with such a loving, caring set of parents, grandparents that I sometimes felt as if I was living in a dream, but in all actuality it was real, very real.  It wasn’t until I had my 1st child 20 years ago, that I truly knew what living a dream was like.  Adding my 2nd son 16 years ago, REALLY made my life a fairytale.  I had everything I could have wanted and asked for in these 2 boys of mine.   Our lives started so well, you had wonderful grandparents, and an EXCELLENT set of Great- Grandparents.  For 3 years my oldest son even got to know what it was like to have a Great-Great Grandma.  Lucky, that’s how I felt, and very blessed at the exact same time.  Not many children get to know Great grandparents let alone a great great one.

I was so happy with my life with you boys, I have always been proud of you and what you have stood for, and sometimes I just sit down and cry at the wonderful, caring, loving MEN you are turning into.   Our lives have not always been easy, we have faced divorce, death, another divorce and many other things.  However this RSD has probably been one of the most devastating things we have been through the 3 of us.   This disease has turned my life upside down, in and out and flipped all around.   However being your Mom has been one of the BEST things I could have ever asked for.  This has also probably one of the hardest things that we could have faced together.   When I look back on the things we used to be able to do together the list was miles long, fishing, hiking, walking trails, dinner and eating together was one of my very favorite things to do.  Sit at the table and discuss our days, what we did, what happened and how it made us all feel.  Except for the one evening that I had to sit down and try to explain this RSD Disease and how it was going to affect our lives from here on out.   That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure as a parent.   I have a ton of support and I know that you both love me, but sometimes I just feel as if I have let you both down.  This disease keeps me in bed a lot of times,  instead of sitting around the table eating dinner that I may have cooked, we would talk about it.  I was very open with discussions on this subject, and I thought the subject of SEX was going to be a problem, hey that was easy compared to this one.  Much, much easier.

As I sit in my bed, or lay in here reading, watching something on tv, I have felt that I have been missing out on ALOT of both of your lives.  I feel as if I have lost that closeness that we all shared.  I feel like your mom is laughing stock to both of you.  I walk with a limp, many times I forget very simple things, and others.. I just forget all together.  However,  I try my hardest to keep my composure to you 2 as much as I possibly can.  There are days, I just want to be able to pick you up, rock you as my babies again and tell you the story of, I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for Always as long as You’re living my babies you’ll be.  Thats the truth, you will both be my babies until the end.

What I want you to fully understand is that with my Disease.. I will “never” get over it, I will never get used to it, and I sure as heck won’t will never leave your sides no matter WHAT life tosses at us.   If you truly don’t understand this, please don’t feel bad because I don’t a lot of the time.  I want to just pick up and go on our little road trips like we always have done.. I want to hike, fish, do the fun things that your crazy fun mom used to do with you both.   I just want you to always ask me, to continue doing things with you because that is something I truly love.  It’s something that makes me feel very secure in our relationship.   This disease is progressing as you both know and understand.   It will get worse, and I will have some very rough days.  It breaks my heart when I see the look on your faces like Oh no mom, Not another day…There is nothing I can change about this right now, but hopefully soon we will be able to, and I will be able to look back at this and think…

 

So what I want you both to know right now, is that no matter HOW I change, physically, mentally, emotionally, Nothing will ever take my love for the 2 of you.  Nothing will EVER change the way I feel for you boys.  You have stood by me in some of my most difficult times in our lives, and I will always be there for you.  To care, Love, Nurture, and for any type of help either of you need.  You are my Angels, my loves and my heart and Soul and I do not ever want you to forget that.  As I stated earlier, I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be.

Let’s try to make the very best of this we can, let all put our most powerful love and feet we can first, and let’s Kick this thing in the ASS.  Thank you for always being there for me, to listen to my cry, scream, yell, about this… But most of all… NEVER EVER FORGET HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BOTH… YOU SURE DO MAKE ME PROUD TO BE YOUR MOM!!!!!

 

I love you with my heart and soul, Michael and Brayden Everly.. and as we go through this or any tough time.. That’s the one thing I NEVER want you  to forget!!!

I Love you both,

Mom