A Little Worried

For the first time in probably 4 years I slept 12 straight hours. I felt so good when i got up, was a little hyper.. a lil crazy, and just had so much ambition. Where did that come from? However, in the night I woke up just sobbing 2 times with spasms so bad in my legs and back that I couldn’t even more. My body when my back spasm’d was like contorting my body almost kicking my poor 80 chocolate lab that just got his nuts cut off, off my bed. He made a fast track right back up and came right to me to see why I was crying. I knew then, the damn cold, wispy wind, rain and snow was coming.

People think that we are crazy when we tell them a storm’s a brewin, or watch out we are gonna get a cold front… Hell, I swear to you.. I can tell the weather better then any weatherman around. LOL

Seriously 2 days ago, I woke with a cold, running nose, stuffy head, sore throat, you know all that shit that comes with a good old fashioned cold… The weird thing was.. my Tongue.. YES, my tongue that thing hurt so bad in the back of my mouth i didnt even want to eat, drink, let alone take any of my 3,435,345 pills that day. So it was whatever… but!…. as the day wore on I started feeling better, heck i was gonna take myself to the dr, but chose not to cuz i figured i could battle this cold with some good ole sea salt and water… gargle, gargle, swish, spit.. Yep, that’s exactly WHAT I did.. all day long…. and by that night.. it was pretty much gone. YAY ME… What i didn’t expect was the NEXT MORNING, waking up with what looked much like a fever blister on the side of my tongue, and on my lip that made my lip 2 times its original size. Now, I am thinking WTF?!?!?!?!?! So, I started gargle, swishin, and spittin again but it didn’t help a damn thing.. so here I am with this HUGE fever lookin blister on my lip (PS.. ive never had one before) and i just don’t even know what to do.. How to do it or what.. I am taking acylivir because with my RSD and it messing with my damn nerves gave me shingles… So yeah.. fun it’s always something New and Exciting with CRPS, I swear.. I told my friend today as I noticed as my son was driving me to the grocery store, that my eyelid was peeling, yeah thats right peeling right the hell off my lid.. like i got sun-burnt or something to that measure.. WTH is that all about??? Anyone??? I don’t know anymore..

I’ve just decided to live by this motto…(sorry mama)

I fucking love CRPS and CRPS sure the hell loves me…:))

Gotta smile, and keep up my awesomeness, because lemme tell you, when this broad goes down… she goes down hard.. So, if anyone feels like joining me with my new motto FEEL FREE… It feels good to say it… It feels good to fight it, and I am telling you what,, its a damn fight I WILL NEVER GIVE IN TOOO!!!!

As, I have said before… I have RSD, but it sure the hell doesn’t have ME..:))

Oh yeah, my friend told me I was her crazy friend… who, me? CRAZY.. oh helllllllll yeah!!!!!!! LOLOL gotta live up to my standards…:))

Have a great day!

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To my Beautiful Step-Daughter Katie

Katie,

I just wanted to tell you that 6 years ago when you came into my life, I wasn’t sure if you were going to like me or not. I tried everything I had in me to give you a full set of my heart. I had so much fun with you that summer, and we just clicked. We formed a bond that was amazing to me. At that point, I knew that you were going to be a special lil gal to me. From that point on, our relationship grew and grew. Before I knew it you were turning into a beautiful girl. You have the most amazing eyes, and the biggest heart and soul. I loved that about you. The way you laugh, made me crack up so hard that tears would come. That laugh that is just as contagious as you are. We all loved you from that point and still do to this day, despite what some people may say.

We have had so many good times together I couldn’t even count them. Just hanging together, or going shopping, or having our “girl. spa days”. The list goes on and on. I will never forget those times, nor will I ever forget the love that the 2 of us shared. Or the heartbreaking times we would leave each other at the airport and you and I would both be crying… We have a bond sweety that can’t be taken away, and I sure hope that someday you realize that, or remember that.

The boys and I miss you terribly, and we think about you all the time. You have touched our lives in ways that you may not understand yet, but you will in time. I hope that we can keep in touch and keep that bond that we have made together.

I have some pictures of you, from this summer that i have put in my room and look at and think of the fun things we were doing when they were taken. I’ve also left your jewerly box, and the rest of your things as you have left them. Just can’t put them away yet. I am hoping that at some point we can see you for a few days..

I love you so much sis, and as I said.. we have really missed talking to you. Please feel free to call or text at anytime you want too. We LOVE hearing from you.

I love you to the moon and back, and always will..

Amy

Samuel Calvin Kimmel

My Dear Grandpa,

First I have to tell you this, I love and miss seeing your smiling, loving face everyday.  I mean everyday!   Well, I just wanted to kind of sit here for a few minutes and go back and thank you for everything you did for me, the boys, my family while you were alive.  There were many things, I didn’t get to say, but I do NOT regret that at all.  I REGRET NOTHING, of what I did, how I did it or how I felt about you!   When dad died, you took me under your wing and didn’t let go.  Our relationship became that much greater.  You were  a man who would tell it like it was, and yet do it in the most loving way possible.   You made me cry, at the same time you taught me many lessons.  I remember from the time I was itsy bitsy you always said, you pay yourself first no matter what.  If you make 5.oo you take 10% of that and put it away, you are paying YOU and you will be so happy you did.  Oh Gramps, how I wish I would have listened.  You were one of the smartest men I knew, and your advice was longed for, even when it came to raising my boys.  Those 2 boys loved you as much as I did and still do!

I have a journal I kept the 5 years that you were really sick, and I was right there by your side.   I saw you slipping, and sliding and yet I would not just let you out of my grasp.  Strong men survive.. and you definitely were one of those.   As your life was a train wreck as a child, the hell you went through, the things that no-one should have ever had  to endure YOU DID.  You were definitely one of a kind.  Anyway, So I want to talk about the years I spent helping grandma taking care of you.  The things you and I did together and some of the things that we talked about.  Many of those things, I better keep to myself, but I will share some because you made me feel so special to you.  I know I was because you never, EVER lacked in telling me so, or anyone that may have been around you at that time.  I was your Dolly, when i was a lil tyke, a woman, a mom, granddaughter and I always will be until we meet again.

That fall you took was the start of all of this nightmare, I do believe that whole-heartedly, however.. I truly believe that it all really started when dad passed away, and you could never get through that. I remember at the funeral home you making stand beside you as you held my hand almost entirely the whole time.   I kept hearing over and over, this shouldn’t be your dad, dolly it shouldn’t it should be me.  Little did you know you were going to become my way of life, the way of life that kept me tied for so long to dad.  The stories you would tell me, the times we would cry, you never ceased to amaze me Grandpa.  Not Once.    So back to my scatter brain way of thinking.  During those years you were sick, taking you to the Dr.,doing your medications, doing everything I could for you, but to watch you suffer from so much pain purely broke my heart.  I know now what your pain was all about as I have developed a condition called RSD and it is busting the top of the pain scale.   You, just like grandma would want to wave a magic wand over me to cure this.. or at least to make me feel better.  Heck,  even when YOU were sick, if I had come down to just a cold, you would call me many times a day to see how I was feeling, when you were feeling so like shit yourself.  Those were such special times to me!

I remember the next big fall you took that split your arm open and cause us to be in the ER for 4 hours, and you to get 138 stitches, I watched that whole time as you didn’t complain, didn’t say a word but son of a bitch, I don’t need to be here esp for stitches.  We would laugh about that much later…:)  I cleaned your dressings daily, I tried to take as much of the load off grandma as i could.  I could NEVER cook for you like she did, but i sure could bake you all of your favorite things, and I did.   It brought me joy to watch your face light up when I’d bring you your favorite chocolate chip cookies, that only I could make worth a damn, or so you said.. Or how I would watch your face light up when Chad brought you all of that expensive, great chocolate that you would hide from everyone…LOL  Just so you know, Grandma has now taken your spot over for that!!!  :))

Anyway, gramps, what I wanted to say was, I never Regretted anything I ever did for you while you were sick and suffering.  I know that I have been paid back ten-fold for that as I feel your presence around me so often.  I think  I may have even seen you the other night, floating from the back bedroom into the bathroom here.  🙂   That has got to be one of the best feelings I have ever had.. your presence, esp when things in my life aren’t going so right.  I want to thank you for being there with me the day of my divorce.  Don’t think for a minute as Deanna stood on my right side being there for and with me, that I didn’t feel you come and stand right next to me at the bench in front of the judge.  I felt it all.  The warmth, felt just as the night that you passed away.. holding you, and helping you get cleaned up for the coroner to take you off to where you wanted to be, at home.. with your sister Ruth, and my loving dad.  Your body was so warm, and your muscles were still twitching, How many times I just wanted when you turned over for it to not be real, and not have those big beautiful eyes closed, I just wanted one more smile, one more I love you, one more of anything.. but most of all.. I wanted you to feel good again, be free of any pain that was causing you to thrash around in that bed, I wanted for you to be comfortable, and thanks to Hospice we were able to make that happen.  I remember that night so clearly in my head, I was with you from 8 am that morning till 8 that night, and didn’t leave your side but to make a couple of phone calls, or to run and get you meds that they needed to make your thrashing stop.  You would call me over to your bed, and make me lay there beside you, you would hold one hand and with the other you were touching my face, or asking me if I seen that Beautiful golden staircase.. It was so beautiful you said, but you told me specifically I could not paint it, I think that’s because you totally knew I sucked at painting too…hehe   But when I sat there with you , and you would be talking to your sister Ruth, or dad, you would always turn to me and ask me, if it was ok for you to go home… It was one of the hardest things in my life  to do grandpa to finally tell you YES, you could go home, that even I had the hospice nurse’s crying.   And dude, some of those women are as tough as nails.. Not these particular ones tho,  You told them of how Chad and I were your first-born grandchildren, and how you loved us from the day we were born.. and the most special kids you have ever seen.  You told them all of that, I cried, you cried, and the nurses cried.  Gram had seen enough of it that day that she pretty much kept herself busy.

Then came the question… Dolly, have you called Chad Michael?  I don’t think that you ever called him just chad, and I assume there was a reason for that as well..:)  a quite good reason if you ask me, but this i will never know.   When I told you I did you smiled and took my hand and said I love you Dolly, and for all the right reasons. You waited on Chad to get home to see you, and for you to know he was there, before your soul lifted and you went right to the place you wanted to be…HOME.. as you called it.    You were a rock grandpa, and we all miss you so much, but I want to thank you for being that man in my life that I could always depend on.. one that I could always be so proud of.. and one that loved without any conditions.  I hope you know how much you are loved and missed, but I also want you to know.. I Love your visits to me.. They ALWAYS come just at the right time.  Keep them coming gramp  as they bring me up when I am down, just as you did when you were here.

I love you so much, and you will always be my “baby”

XOXOXOXXOX

Starting Over…

LOVE… what is it?  What defines it?  How does it feel?  That’s what I would like to know… The dictionary defines it as

Definition of LOVE

1
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>
2
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3
a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>(1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4
a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person’s adoration of God
5
: a god or personification of love
6
: an amorous episode : love affair
7
: the sexual embrace : copulation
I thought I had all of this, but was proved terribly wrong.  As I look back over the 6 years,  I really don’t remember what or if i ever had any of the above.  I questioned, whether love was something that was taken away when a friendship was placed on hold, I lost alot of my friends.. I never under stood why.  I do now.. I realized that it was taken away from in every shape and form of my life.  I was to be in one place, with one person all the time.  That come to find out , truly is not love.   I was mistaken.  I have learned alot over the last few years.  I ended up getting hurt at work, the place that I truly did love working at.  It was fun, the guys there treated me like I was one of them… Hey, This tomboy, sailor mouth really fit in and i loved it, I did new and exciting things everyday until i got hurt.  Then it all went down hill.
I guess when you LOVE someone you sit around and watch them suffer, you let them go to dr appointments on their own, and don’t really ever get into the groove of being with that person going thru the hell.   In my own eyes,  had my LOVED one been the one hurt, I would have been there watching it all, going thru it all…. not just sitting back waiting on a phone call,  or waiting to talk to I got home… thats NOT LOVE…
Now, don’t go getting me wrong, I LOVED my marriage, i LOVED the person that I was with, I loved the things we did together, but that didn’t matter.   when I got hurt, that LOVE diminished to be a one-sided love.. No i WONT act like i am 15 in public and hang all over someone, show affection in the right place and time of course.. That is or has never been a problem with me, I Do LOVE Affection…:)
So, anyway, it ended.. not on such a happy note, the one I chose to LOVE for the rest of my life took off.  I guess that VOWS dont mean much to anyone anymore.. Which is ok,  I still have 2 people that i LOVE with my entire heart, and would no matter if they are 49 and 33.. or 9 and just starting to LOVE life… its what its all about.  So what do you do when someone you thought loved you walks out?  You get the hell over it.. obviously there was no LOVE there to begin with…
So, I have my boys, and my step-daughter that i still and will always show my honest LOVE to.. It’s important to me, to let them know, to show them, and to accept that no matter what, if there is a change in them I will stand beside them and love them no matter what the reason…Anyway I just thought that I would share a bit of my past with you all, and that all of  you I love, I LOVE you for one reason or another and that’s just the way I am.  So thank you to all of you that have been here thru all of this with me,  and to those who just came into my life the past few months,  There is a reason, You are still in it.. When I LOVE I LOVE with my entire heart and soul!!!!

Why Do I Cry?

I hurt, the pain won’t stop.  The burning feels like vats of fire that are havocing my body inch by inch.  Why is it so hard to see, yet so damn easy to feel?  Why, does it feel like everyone just tends to think.. yeah right.. She looks fine!!  I am so tired of feeling this way, I need a way to deal with things better.  I try to uphold my positive attitude, and laugh and smile, and carry on.  Why does it still hurt?  Hug me, yes.. would love that.  But.. that hurts too.  Its hurts so bad that I am not crying because I am hugging you goodbye or goodnight, I am crying because I am hurting so bad inside its killing me.  I miss that, the times when ANYONE could come up and give me a hug, and now.. I am so careful.  My Grandma is 87 almost.. I miss her hugs the most i do!!!  I just want to be able to wrap my arms around anyone and hug them for a long time.. but it hurts.. That is one of my favorite things to do!!

 

So, why do I cry?   I cry because what once was, is no more.  The things I used to LOVE doing I can’t.  Hell, I can barely make it up 3 steps on my GOOD DAYS!!!  Hiking is out.  I can walk for bits at a  time, but let me tell you.. if i over do it, I usually end up in the hospital for a good dose of medicine to get it stopped.  Even then that don’t ALWAYS help.  Hell, I just wish that at times I could curl up in a corner and wish this all away.. Not going to happen..

 

So.. why do I cry?  I cry because I am missing out on so much with my boys.. THANK YOU GOD, for not making them any younger then they are, when i developed this horrific disease.  and now, add bad problems to it.. Yeah, its great.. My kids are great most of the time.. I know they both get scared from time to time, as when I am starting my new meds, or something like that, and I am spaced out.  I can’t even carry on a decent converstation.   They look at me with that look in their eyes that just says, Mom, why can’t you be the you, you used to be… HEARTBREAKING!!!  Or yet, when i ask them about something, they give me an answer and yet.. 15 minutes later I am asking again.  Only to hear.. mom you just asked me that.. I dont even remember saying a word to them about it..

 

So, why do i cry?  I cry because I am not the daughter, grand-daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin I used to be.  I love my family with my entire heart, and quite honestly i DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM!!!  I have 2 absolutley wonderful, beautiful friends that have helped me more then they will ever know.. Deanna and Heather.  Without them.. keeping me busy, talking to me, pumping me up.. and then there are my internet friends.. Friends that i DEFINATELY could not be without.  They tell me that some of my best friends live in the computer and that is right, they really do..They bring me up when i am down as well.  I have met some, and do plan on meeting more.

 

Where would you be if you were put in this posistion, how would you handle yourself?  I can’t clean for myself anymore, doing dishes is just a thing of the past…I can go on and on about what i can’t do.. I can continue to be down,. but i am not going to.. I will tell you why…

 

Why, I smile?   I wake every morning to the sounds of my boys talking, or getting ready for school, I hear the dog barking outside, I talk to my mom and dad, grandma and friends on the phone daily.. I can get out of bed, even if it takes me 20 minutes to do so, thats just 20 more minutes I get to enjoy just listening…

 

I smile, because I do have family, friends, and all that do love me, and I am able to do things with.  My boys, take me to dinner, mom and dad do the same.  I talk to them on the phone, and sometimes for too many hours, right Aunt Donna..:)

 

I smile because I can see the colors changing and the leaves on the ground, knowing that fall is just around the corner.. Fall is and has always been my favorite time of year.  The smells, the beauty, the 1st snowfall, just about everything about fall makes my heart sing…and makes me smile.

 

I may have alot of flaws within me as a person, I may have some hatered, but.. I am still ME.. nothing is going to change that, my heart still beats the way it should and because of that, I would give my left shoe on a cold winter day to someone that was missing one.. I still have my personality one that can at times make people laugh and can make them cry.. My grandma blames me for being the one that makes her talk like a sailor, hey what the hell you ONLY LIVE ONCE…

 

Why do I smile?  Because someday, I know that deep in my heart even if it happens after I leave this place.. there will be a cure found, and for those that come after me.. They will get help… I hope that my boys, give all the information they know about RSD/CRPS to EVERYONE they know.. The only way people are going to know about this dibilitating disease is if it gets spread from person to person.. So yes, if you want to know what its all about, I try to give websites, help groups, there are so many right here on FB.. Here to Help is a fabulous one.. and then rsdhope.org.  There you will find a letter, and tons and tons of information about our disease.

 

Why do I smile?  Because one day, my son was hurrying home from school and a friend of his asked him why he always was in a hurry to get home?   Bray says, because my mom has this disease, and i need to make sure she has taken her medications.. Haleigh says, don’t lie, my mom has that too… and because of 2 of our kids.. I have been blessed with one hell of a friendship with Deanna Dimond.  We have helped each other with Dr’s, our regimens on how we do our daily things.. We are there for one another no matter WHAT the situation.. She has become the sister I have truly never had and I thank god each and every day for her.. Love you bunches Deanna..

 

Why do i Smile?  I have the best family that I could EVER ASK FOR.. They support, carry, and love me for who I am.. they have never given up on me, yet cheered me on… This helps with everyday of my life.. to have people that love and care about you that much… I am blessed… Thank you to Aunt Donna to always listen to my crazy life up and downs… it means the world to me.. and to my mama and daddy.. for being the type of parents that just let me talk, but give me the support i need on a daily basis.. I love you more then life… Uncle Ron, for sending me cards, and giving me that hug i need everytime i see you, or just your sweet, loving kind words over a text message.. My brother, for listening to me cry, scream cuss, and then laugh.. To Heather, for being there for me, and telling me how things are.. straight up without missing a beat.  You have gotten me thru this last ordeal with flying colors and i will forever be grateful to you for that.  I love you girl!!!!

 

To my Boys, whom hold my entire heart in their hands… We have been through so much together just the 3 of us, but we have somehow made it… emotionally, physically, and well, we will talk about the financial part later..:))

You have given me such joy just watching you grown into men.  Into the MEN i have made you become.. You are my life, my world and my everything and i love you both each and every day of my life more and more.. Michael for always helping me with what he can, and for Bray whom usually if Deanna can’t misses school to take me to the Dr.. He has seen some pretty harsh stuff I would never want my boys to see, but they have, and i cant change that.. I just want you both to know… You make my life what it is, and as I watch you grow up and move into what you have become, I couldn’t be any happier, or more proud of either of you.  I love you both with my entire heart and soul…

 

Why do i smile?   Katie girl.. You have been in my life for the past 6 years, you have brought so much joy to my life.  If i had ever been able to have a little girl, I would have wanted her to be JUST LIKE YOU.  You made my heart full, of life, love and so much more, I do not know if i could ever explain the words to you.. I wish nothing but the very best in life for you, you are the sunshine each day I think about.. and I love you to pieces Sis.. I hope you ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT AND NEVER ONCE FORGET IT!!!!

 

Why do I smile?  Because I can sit down here, write this “note” and I can feel much better inside.  Even though I cry now.. I know that everything will be ok.  I just have to Let it go, and Let GOD!!!

 

Have a peaceful day everyone, I know i am going to sure try!!!  To all of you that matter in my life.. There is nothing I would change about any of you.. You were put in my life for a reason, and I beg you to stay..

 

I LOVE YOU ALLL!!!!!