My Kids— The Joys of my life!!!

My boys are the biggest and the most important part of my life.  They have always come first and they always will.  I feel as if being a parent has been somewhat easy at times and a total bitch at others.  I love it when they come to me and talk so openly with me, I feel as if I am being a good listener, and just enjoying it all with my heart open wide…

There have been times I have wanted to kick them in the ass to head them in the right direction, but yet… they always seem to make that slight turn that takes them down the beaten path.  One day as I was telling them, Look.. I did this when I was your age, but.. I am telling you this so you don’t make the same mistakes I did…. bahhah, that was a FAIL.. like they are going to listen to me, what am I thinking?  REALLY!!!!   They both have chosen paths that I have adored to be quite honest.  My boys are hard working men, they love to have fun, and when i look at them, the joy i feel in my heart tells me i have done a good job in my eyes, but further more.. it tells me, that just when I truly didn’t think they were listening THEY WERE.

To be quite honest, I would love them to be a lil more uppity when it comes to helping me, but.. of course I DO like things done the way i like them, and I do like them to do it when I ask them, not 3 days later…LOL   Then I stop and think to myself,  Why do I put myself thru the hell of arguing with them, its not like they are out causing all kinds of havoc, running the streets and being rotten.  They are boys for Christ Sake’s and they will do what they want when they want… I just need to accept that.   It’s hard…

When the dr’s discovered that I had an uncureable disease my boys stood up and took hold.  They have been my biggest supporters, and yet I think that deep inside everytime they look at me, or something new comes about, they have to learn to deal with it all over again.  They have taken me to my Dr apt’s, to therapy, they have done everything under the sun for me when it has come to that.. I am actually still waiting on a handrail however, to get up and down the stairs…lololol  First things first i guess.  🙂     I will never forget the very first Dr appt I had that my youngest son took me too, I thought he was going to jump down that dr’s throat, and just go from there.  We got out of that office and All i heard for the 2 and a half hours how he would have just liked to punch that asshole in the face…LOL,   Little did he know at the time.. SO DID I… Then, he took me to another one, this time, as the Dr was examining me, and doing a test on me the look on his sweet little face, just made me sob.. They were hurting me and he was scared shitless..  Neither him or I could wait to get out of that one.   My stories go on and on with him and Dr’s.  I didn’t want to keep this from my boys, I wanted them to see that it is real, and the things that have changed about me are real, and sometimes scary.  Most of all, I wanted them there by my side thru all of this..  It’s hard enough trying to do this kinda stuff alone, but when your kids start helping and learning more and more about it, and seeing what it’s doing to mom.. They understand it enough to start spreading the word.

My oldest son took me to a few as well, this boy works or was working 2 jobs going to college full time and helping me as much as he could.  So the few visits that he has been able to attend, I have gotten blocks.  You never really are prepared for anything like this until you have been thru it  a few times.  I had a block on my back on this one particular day that my oldest took me.  It was called a lumbar injection.  It wasn’t so bad until I came back in the room and he seen me.  He got upset as well, and just was ready to go.  I know that it is hard for them to except this type of stuff but the last thing I ever wanted, was for them to NOT be a part of my medical needs.  They needed to be there, here what the Dr has said and go from there…

I am almost 100% sure that neither of them have truly dealt with this all.  Not even sure they have really wanted to go this far with any of it.  None of us have, but you have to do what you have to do.  They are my pullers, they pull me thru some tough times, they keep me up when i need them too, and most of all they are there for me when the going gets too tough for me to put on my big girl panties and kick the world in the ass!!!

J and Bray, I want you both to know that you are my life, my world, my rock, and my heart!!!  You have made me PROUD to be your MAMA, and I am so happy that we have that special bond that noone could take away, even tho one has tried.  You have both done well,.. I know that you will continue down that path and that you will both make the right decisions, I handed you the tools you needed when you were little, with some help from your dad.. and I know that He loves you too.  He is proud of you as well.  We kicked the hell outta the years that we struggled so hard with, and we made it thru.  As long as I have the 2 of you.. We can make it thru anything, and i think that we have proved that over the last 19 years.  You have no idea how proud I am to be your Mom, and I need to tell you more!!   I love you both with my entire heart and soul, and you will always be my world, my happy place.  I love you both so very much thank you for being the MEN you are!!!

I Love you,