As I sit here today, on a heating pad STILL from yesterday, taking turns on that, walking around, and in bed.. I seldom think to myself why? Why do we have to endure so much pain and so many hurtful days? I would have to say my pain sure isn’t a 20 plus today, but damn close. I don’t know why, the dude at my work couldn’t have just fixed that problem and I wouldn’t be in this predictiment right now. But no, he couldn’t, it was much more important to leave to go out.
I guess that this is the way God wanted it to happen. They say that things happen for a reason and yet I seldom question why? Why do any of us that have Chronic pain have to go thru the hell we do, and Why does 99% of the time does it happen to good people who TRY to do the very best towards others, and do for them as they would like done to us?
Why, do i sit here at night and watch my boys either just stay in their rooms and not really have a whole lot to do with me? Is it because they cant stand the thought of seeing me this way and knowing that it will not be different anytime soon, is it that they just want to seclude themselves from it so they DONT have to see it? What can it possibly be? Maybe some of it is due to the fact that I am the one that just wants to hide away, I really don’t care about them seeing me in a pain that at times debilitates my body. My boys have always been my life.. they have always been the ones I have turned to in any given situation, they will and have always been my 1st priority. So Why does it feel like I am always thier last?
Why can’t we clean, sleep, dishes, laundy, make beds. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do is depend on someone else. I can’t stand that feeling nor can I ignore it. I dont ask for much help, therefor i dont get much. I try to do the best I can on a daily basis, but sometimes i can’t do a thing and am stuck in bed. All,I want is just a little to be easier, someone to take me for me and love me because even tho I have this bastard of a disease… I am still the same loving, caring, person I have always been. Or so I think I am. I try to do the things I can, as i can. It may take me 4 hours to do 1 task, but i work in cycles on it till it is done.
Qhen I think about the last 5 years of my life before my disease took over which was (9) years ago.. I totally was taking care of someone else, right up until the day he passed. My grandpa. It wasn’t even 2 years later I ended up with this horrifying shit!! and SHIT IT IS… Oh well, someone has to do it right? That’s what i have to say. However, I will tell you I have met and made some of the best friends a person can have, and they all have the same as me. Its, just sad that we all have it and there is no cure, but what is the cure to me many many days are having the people behind me, and beside me. That is what means more to me right now, then just about anything else…
So, as I said… I could wish a million and one times for my life back, do i want that? No, I want to be me..YES, I AM ME… just beneathe this shell of pain. I can deal with it, when i have people on my side, not against me.. it helps to fight this, it helps to fight anything in life, when everyone is with you all the way!!!! I woke yesterday to one of the sweetest most loving texts i have ever received.. and all it said was… “GOD GAVE ME YOU”. That was a purely amazing feeling… and such a powerful message. I have loved, and I have lost. I have learned to be stronger then i have ever been before. With that, to all of my RSD friends, when you have friends with the same issues you do, we TRULY know what you are going thru, and will love you thru it just as everyone has shown love to me. What a huge support of peoiple I have…I wouldn’t trade for the world.
To everyone of you that has touched my life somehow. You have truly made an impression in my life and i will always be grateful for that….
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Love to you all, and hope that you can soon have some much needed relief. I appreciate each and everyone of you, MY FRIENDS that don’t have this…I LOVE YOU!!!!